Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Out of Order

"Out of Order"

Whenever we see or hear that phrase, it can mean a lot of things. It could refer to something that is broken and not currently functioning. It could mean that things are in disarray; out of order from the neat and proper way that they are supposed to be kept, out of place. Or, perhaps one of the most infamous ways this phrase has ever been uttered, from the movie "A Few Good Men": "You're out of order"! - inappropriate, stepping over the lines of decency. I've definitely applied all of those definitions to different aspects of my life within the past few weeks and they are really starting to take their toll on me. My whole universe is currently "out of order".


It all started with a boy, as most things in my life tend to start with. I met a boy who was nice and kind and sweet. I really liked him, I really did. But, I am so broken and out of order. There's just too much baggage in my life, skeletons banging to get out of my closets, that I could never expect someone like him to be able to handle that. He would never be able to carry all my baggage. And so, I let things go to the wayside.

And then, I met another boy. The only problem was: Boy #2 was Boy #1's roommate.

Because I'm not enough of a martyr. Because I apparently can't handle enough chaos in my life that I just need to keep piling it on and getting myself into situations that are unhealthy and probably going to end in (ok, always destined to end in) disaster, I moved things forward with Boy #2. (Apparently, they conferred about this situation - aka Me - first and Boy #1 gave reluctant approval for Boy #2 to ask me out.)

And I really liked Boy #2. He was basically like, the boy version of me. (Except, clearly, I'm way cooler and more attractive. /sarcasm) We became "partners in awesomeness". He thought I was clever and funny and beautiful (all true things, obviously) and I thought he was handsome and smart and brilliant. I admired and adored him. I loved joking and laughing and smiling and plotting with him.

Yet, despite all those awesome feelings and fun times, I kept defaulting to my stupid thing that I do with boys where I keep them at arms length and pretend I don't have feelings because I don't want to get hurt and try to keep everything as casual as possible and pretend like I don't care.

Only problem is: I started to care. And it scared the shit out of me.

"Hmm, I think I might kind of like you...", I once told him, half joking, half serious. 

I kept trying to tell myself things to psych myself out of it, like "Well, I'm never going to love him like I love Emmett. He's never going to be as good as Emmett." or "Oh, I'm not trying to put down roots in Philadelphia. I'm leaving soon. I can't get into anything serious." My friend and I even resorted to making Pro & Con lists about him. (I know we all remember that episode of FRIENDS where Ross makes the Julie & Rachel pro/con list - and we saw how well that turned out at the time. "She's not Ratchum!??!")

But I started feeling like maybe this could be something serious, like maybe I could really fall for this person, like maybe Philadelphia wasn't so bad after all as long as I had someone to share it with. I got butterflies when I was with him and I got sad when we were apart. I always wanted to be around him; sharing kisses and creativity and scotch and calamari. That, my friends, sent me into the panic of the century. I started having anxiety attacks, worrying that I was going to get trapped here in Philadelphia - in a job I hate, in a sub-par relationship with someone who was not the soul mate I envisioned for myself. So of course, I went into self-sabotage mode.

Anything good in my life will always turn to shit. And its 99.9% always my fault.

The whole version of events as to how we met was something that we joked about a lot. It was unavoidable - literally. I mean, I was dating someone who had a roommate who I also went on a date with once. And there were playful jokes about well, maybe I should just go on over to Boy #1's room sometime and try and seduce him - or whatever. Totally and completely not serious, but wheels kept turning in my head. I kept having these "What if?" moments.

What if I had just dated Boy #1 instead? It wasn't that I didn't like him; we had a lot of common interests. What if I could date Boy #1 Mondays, Wednesdays & Fridays and Boy #2 Sundays, Tuesdays & Thursdays and then they could alternate Saturdays? What if I could really get these guys into a polyamorous relationship and have them be totally cool with it? I mean, in the Millenium trilogy, Berger is able to have her husband for one part of her life to fulfill certain needs, and Blomkvist as her lover and for everything else. Why could I have that too?

So, I got fucking greedy is what fucking happened.

I had already started being aloof with Boy #2 and downplaying things and acting like I didn't care. Rubbing it in his face that I'd applied to 2 jobs back home one week and how my boss had asked if he would come with me and I'd recoiled in disgust like, "GOD NO! I mean, it's not THAT serious!" How I couldn't wait to get the fuck out of Philadelphia and leave this shit stink of a town behind - and presumably him as well.

And then, one night, I did the unthinkable: I, while under the influence of several beers and shots of Patron, messaged Boy #1 and asked him to come over.

I mean, I wasn't even really being serious. I wasn't home at the time. I wasn't expecting him to actually come over. I knew he was out drunk too so I don't even know how he'd even get to my house (that I wasn't at). And even if he had shown up, I probably would have slammed the door in his face and laughed.

And then Boy #1 told Boy #2 and he was pissed.

I don't know why I expected him not to be. I don't know why I thought "I was really drunk" was going to be an excuse and he was going to forgive me for it. (Maybe because I once blatantly tried to shove my hands down the pants of a friend of a guy that I was dating - and not really into - right in front of him while shitfaced?) That's an excuse you use when you're 18, not when you're 28. And so I don't really know why I was shocked when he broke up with me.

At first, I was pissed and angry. Like, HOW DARE HE! Like I didn't cause this; that this was somehow his fault. And so I sat around being really pissy and angry for a week and hating Boy #1 and Boy #2 for getting me into this situation. Like somehow this all could have been prevented from Day 1 if we just had some kind of weird threesome and then let everything work itself out. To have eased the tension of avoiding Boy #1 every time I came to their apartment. To have stopped thinking about how I was flaunting this relationship with his roommate in his face.

Point is: I hurt people's feelings. And that's what's really fucking out of order.

My behavior was out of order and what I did isn't really forgivable. Shit, I wouldn't forgive me. But that's because I don't forgive anyone easily. (Must run in my family because my Mom is really good at holding grudges for decades.) But I wish I could be forgiven. I wish this albatross wasn't hanging from my neck day in and day out. I wish I could just go back and erase everything that happened - but I can't. I have felt guilt about what I've done, this pit in my stomach that won't go away. I hate myself. I deserve this shitty feeling of feeling like a shitty person because I am one.

And I want to apologize. 

I've really started to like it in Philadelphia, and it was because of you. And now, I feel like I can't even go certain places because they remind me of you or things that we could be doing together. I sit there and I think, "Oh, he would really love this or that." Or, I'll see something that would be perfect for you or have an idea or a joke. And I can't even tell you about it because you hate me.

You inspired me to be something better than I was. The girl just biding my time til I got the hell up out of dodge; you made me want to do more, be more, dream bigger. The cupcake business, marketing ideas, freelancing - you awakened these dreams inside me to help me make my time here so much more enjoyable - and now, I just feel empty again and uninspired. I admired the way you dreamed big - the things that you wanted to create and I wish that I could be by your side supporting you and seeing you through it, seeing your genius reach the light. I wish I could be your partner again. I adored listening to how passionate you were about everything - and I won't lie, that's what I found sexiest about you - your creativity and intelligence. I was like a moth to a flame just wanting to feed off your energy and have that kind of dream for myself too.

I know you hate me right now. And you have every right to. I betrayed you. It was wrong and stupid and I want you to know how truly sorry I am. I am begging you please, if you could just listen with your heart when I tell you that, I know you can't forgive me right now - but I'm going to do everything in my power to make it up to you. No matter what happens. No matter what you decide to do. I hope we can at least be friends again one day.

I'm Sorry, Ricky.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Win Some, Lose Some

There are words inside my head, struggling to get out. I’ve been trying, but they just don’t seem to want to come. I have demons inside me too that are battling each other. They seem to have no problem slipping past from time to time. But the darker ones, the deeper rooted ones; those are the ones that are the worst. They fight and control me. They are the ones keeping the words inside because they don’t want the truth to come out.


We’re all battling something, hiding something, running from something. Most of the times, it’s from our own selves, from our past, our present, our future. We run from the things that scare us and from the things that bring us joy. We hide the person we used to be from the person we want everyone to think that we’ve become. We battle the guilt we feel over doing things, or not doing things, or not doing things the way we wish we had done them, or over the way we did something that did not lead to lifting this guilt.
I’m an Asshole. I’m selfish, egotistical, a sociopath; self-obsessed and un-remorseful. I’m opportunistic.  I do things without thinking of the consequences. I hurt other people without thinking of their feelings. And then I feel guilty about the pain I’ve caused, about the ways I’ve fucked up, about the people I’ve forced out of my life. 

I’ve left a wake of boys and men in my path for 10 years and I have nothing to show for it. 

But why?

I don’t have daddy issues, but I am an only child. I was never given everything and anything I wanted though. My parents made me work for everything I’ve ever had. I could blame the one person who ruined my entire life for me, but it didn’t just start there. I was doing this long before that – this erratic behavior - sometimes manipulation of their feelings, sometimes manipulation of my own. Shutting myself off and acting like I don’t give a fuck one second, then crying and pleading because I realized that I’m ruining, have ruined, a good thing. 

At first, maybe it was just boredom. The first boy I ever dated had an obsession with video games and became more interested in them than with me. So what did I do? I went out and found someone to be obsessed with me instead, while still dating the video game lover; an entire summer spent sneaking around behind his back. And then, when my new paramour ‘cheated’ on me with another girl, I was appalled and cut off contact with him; even though he was doing precisely the same thing I was doing to someone else. Then, he told me he loved me and I threw it back in his face. “You don’t love me. You don’t even know what love is.” And went back to vie for the video game lover’s attention.

I used them both to make myself feel better about myself, and in the end, I was just alone and felt miserable. Several years later, I even found myself with my paramour again, repeating the same cycle. I was obsessed over another boy who wouldn’t give me the time of day – and once again, he was there. So I led him on and baited him, and then dropped him like a bad habit once I had the attention of object of my desires. What a vicious cycle.

I want things my way, on my terms. Seems like a simple request, no? But I guess it borders on selfishness, wanting someone only when you want them, and the way you want them. Pushing them away when they’re too close, then struggling to draw them to you to get the attention you crave when it’s lacking. Pointing out all their flaws, the things that disgust you, finding reasons to leave or to not get close – then grasping at straws for the things you liked and loved, all the good points and great moments you shared while you’re watching them walk away. 

I thought maybe my destructive, abusive relationship may have been the root of this – and ok, maybe it can take the credit for some of it. He had played the game right back to me and he was better at it and he won. He could be blamed for the trust issues, for the not wanting to let anyone get close, to see the real you, for fear that they’ll realize you’re a disappointment and leave. That they’ll see those demons peeking out of your closet, find out who the real you really is, and despise it. Because everyone you let get close to you once at one point in time all turned on you and left you cold. Men who you’ve dragged through the mud, who would have gone to the ends of the Earth and back for you, but you never even bothered to give them the chance that they didn’t even know they never had. You played with their heart strings while playing apathetic.

And then finally, he came along. A person who you didn’t have to play games with, someone who finally understood you as you are and called you out on all your bullshit when you tried to play the game with him once and he wasn’t having it. And you didn’t have to fake it this time, the feeling was real. But he left – but not because of you – but he was still gone. And you reunited a few times and got closer, feelings grew deeper, and you thought to yourself – this is it, the thing people talk about all the time: 

Real Love. Soul mates. A partner for life. 

And you told him you loved him so because you swear you’d see it sparkling in his eyes whenever he looked at you, whenever he smiled that smile he only smiled for you. He did the things that no one else ever did, paying attention to all the tiniest details, and listening, really and truly listening to you. Caring for you, taking everything into consideration that made it worth it and you wanted to reciprocate all those things in the greatest way you knew how. 

And so you said those Three Little Words – words that you had uttered as a teenager without knowing the meaning, as a love sick college girl in the heat of the moment, on a dark winter night with someone you had once thought could have been the one, over the window of a car door while coerced by someone who had played the game back and won, and that one other time where you didn’t even mean it at all - and this time, you really, really meant those words this time. 

But he didn’t say them back. And then, the walls caved in all around you. You’d been waiting so long. It felt so right – how could this not be right!? 

It was time to play the game again. 

You hoped maybe if you played the game long enough, you’d find another him one day. Maybe you’ll find another one of him one day. I mean, you will right? You have to, right? 

So it was back to a string of dates with boys who didn’t make your heart skip a beat the same way, who didn’t send a charge through your body with a single kiss, whose eyes showed you something deeper when you looked into them. Try one on, see if it fits. Don’t like it, but buy it anyway. Regret it later but you’ve already cut off the tags so you can’t take it back now. You wanted to try and like them, to give them a chance instead of always holding them up to him for comparison. You really were trying. You were.

And then you found two pairs that you thought both looked great. One fit one way, and the other fit the other way. You would never be able to wear them to the same things; they both served different purposes and would have been great for different occasions. The first pair was newer, fit tighter, were the kind you wouldn’t want to take out of the closet unless it was important. So you left the first pair in the closet and bought the second pair. The second was more comfortable, an everyday kind of wear; reliable but you over wore them and took them for granted. You kept trying to find problems with the second pair that would give you a reason to wear the first pair, secretly lusting over the first pair, wondering what it would be like to wear those all the time instead. So, you wanted to see if you could try the first pair on for size and the second pair caught you. And then, you were left with none. 

You tried to go double or nothing and came up empty handed. You were greedy and selfish and now, you were alone again. And now you feel guilty. The second pair was great and was really starting to be your favorite. You had fun together. They complimented you and made you feel confident, alive, amazing, like you could have done anything. You could have taken on the world with the second pair by your side. They almost made your forget all about him. As much as you tried to fool yourself into thinking that you would never love them as much as you loved him, you were warming up to the idea. It wasn’t quite the same but it was a different kind of comfort, a different kind of fit. Like switching from a boot cut to a straight leg: They both looked great on you and hugged your curves in all the right places; they just gave you two totally different looks. They could have been your favorite.

I know I can’t make amends for the hurt that I’ve caused in the past, but if I could apologize knowing that my voice would be heard, and that they would accept my apologies, I would. I don’t want it to feel forced or feel like it’s falling on deaf ears. I want it to be genuine and real and honest. I want the other person to accept that I am trying to change here and give me that chance. But I think I’m past the point of repair.
You can’t make someone love you, but you sure as hell can make someone stop. And you can’t make someone stop hating you, but you sure know how to make them start.

I don’t know how to change the past but I think I know how to change my future. I don’t want to play the game anymore. I want to actively change my behavior to avoid this kind of destruction. I want to live without fear of being hurt because I can’t get past my past. I want to give you a chance and I want you to give me one too. Because we all deserve second chances in life – and I think it’s time I got mine.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

V-Day Mixtape

Oh Valentine's Day - the day we live for, or the day we live to forget. No matter what your feelings are on this holiday that was completely contrived by the greeting card companies, and no matter what your relationship status, I have compiled a few playlists to help ease or elevate your mood (depending on your situation) this February 14th.

The Unrequited Mix - For those of us who are soulfully pining over someone who probably doesn't even know that we're alive

Aaliyah - 4 Page Letter
Head Automatica - Beating Hearts Baby
Fergie - Clumsy
Ashlee Simpson - Fall in Love with Me
Michael Cera & Ellen Page - Anyone Else But You
Incubus - Stellar
Letters to Cleo - I Want You to Want Me
LL Cool J - Hey Lover ft. Boyz 2 Men
Mariah Carey - Fantasy
Leona Lewis - Bleeding Love
Dashboard Confessional - Stolen
Natasha Beddingfield - I Wanna Have Your Babies
Karina Pasian - Just Can't Find The Words
David Archuleta - Crush
Amerie - One Thing
Ryan Adams - Wonderwall
Janet Jackson - If I Was Your Girl
The Cardigans - Lovefool

The Over It Mix- When you've had it with your loved one, or former loved one

Mariah Carey - Shake it Off
Maroon 5 ft Rihanna - If I Never See Your Face Again
Keyshia Cole - I Just Want it to be Over
Blu Cantrell - Hit Em Up Style
Keyshia Cole - Let it Go
Aly & AJ - Potential Break Up Song
Ashanti - Unfoolish Remix
Justin Timberlake - Cry Me A River
Maroon 5 - Makes me Wonder
Keyshia Cole - I Should've Cheated
Ashlee Simpson - No Time for Tears
Danity Kane - Damaged
Christina Aguilera - Fighter
Ciara - Like a Boy
Beyonce - If I Were a Boy
Gilette - Mr Personality
Good Charlotte - I Don't Wanna be in Love
Jaheim - Put that Woman First
Kelly Clarkson - Behind These Hazel Eyes
Kelly Clarkson - Since You've Been Gone
Missy Elliot - Toyz
Mya - Case of the Ex
Mya - Movin On
Timbaland ft One Republic - Apologize
Rihanna - Breakin Dishes
Ashlee Simpson - Surrender
Black Eyed Peas - Don't Phunk With My Heart
Brandy - What About Us?
Cassie - Official Girl
Britney Spears - Womanizer
Britney Spears - Why Should I Be Sad?
Jennifer Hudson - Spotlight
Jennifer Lopez - I'm Gonna be Alright
Taylor Swift - You're Not Sorry
Carrie Underwood - Before He Cheats

The Back Seat Mix - For a foggy windowed good time (or inside if it's too cold)

Bobby Valentino - Tell Me (remix)
Marques Houston - Naked (remix)
Justin Timberlake - My Love
Ludacris - What's Your Fantasy
Ginuwine - My Pony
No Doubt - Making Out
Day 26 - All I Want is You
Mariah Carey - Touch My Body
Rihanna - Push Up On Me
Britney Spears - Breathe On Me
Britney Spears - And Then We Kiss (Junkie XL remix)
Snoop Dogg - Sexual Eruption
LL Cool J - Doin It
Cassie - Me & You
Duran Duran - Come Undone
Britney Spears - Phonography
Jay - Z ft Pharrell - Fuck All Nite
Boyz II Men - I'll Make Love To You
Missy Elliot - One Minute Man
Panic! At The Disco - Lying is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off
Lil Kim ft 50 Cent - Magic Stick
50 Cent - Amusement Park
Lil Wayne - Lollipop
Dru Hill - Got to Get It

The Happy Together Mix - Everything's perfect and happy and roses and sunshine! You're in LURVVVVVVVVE (lol)

50 Cent & Olivia - Best Friend
LL Cool J ft Amerie - Paradise
Natasha Beddingfield - Put Your Arms Around Me
Marie Digby - Say it Again
Common - Come Close
Jason Mraz - I'm Yours
Incubus - Echo
Jack Johnson - Banana Pancakes
Boyz II Men - On Bended Knee
Dashboard Confessional - As Lovers Go
Finley Quaye - Dice
Tanto Metro & Devonte - Everyone Falls in Love Sometimes
Mariah Carey - Ill be Loving you Long Time
Plain White Ts - 1, 2, 3, 4
Ashlee Simpson - L.O.V.E.
Ashlee Simpson - Never Dream Alone
Bow Wow ft Ciara - Like You

Single and Lovin it Mix - You're all you need!

Kelis - Bossy
Ne-Yo - Miss Independent
Katy Perry - I Kissed a Girl
Britney Spears - Touch of My Hand
Ashlee Simpson - Boys
Beyonce - Single Ladies
Britney Spears - My Prerogative
Black Eyed Peas - My Humps
City High - Caramel (remix)
Eve - Who's That Girl
Adina Howard - Freak Like Me
Nelly Furtado - Maneater
Pink - So What
Britney Spears - If You Seek Amy
Fall Out Boy - I Don't Care
Beyonce - Me, Myself, and I

Hate That I Love You Mix - You used to Love them, Now you Hate them (you think), either way, you can't' stop thinking about them

Miley Cyrus - 7 Things
Rihanna ft Chris Brown - Hate That I Love You
Chairlift - Bruises
Duffy - Stepping Stone
Amy Winehouse - Tears Dry On Their Own
Mariah Carey - Heartbreaker
Tegan & Sara - Back In Your Head
Bright Eyes - Lover I Don't Have to Love
Bush - The Chemicals Between Us
Alicia Keys - Like You'll Never see me Again
No Doubt - Running
Janet Jackson - Again
Kanye West - Heartless
Kanye West - Bittersweet Poetry
Lady GaGa - Brown Eyes
Little Boots - Stuck on Repeat
Mariah Carey - We Belong Together
Monica - So Gone
Ne-Yo - So Sick
SWV - Weak
No Doubt - Happy Now?
N'Sync - Gone
Paramore - I Caught Myself
Duffy - Mercy
Katy Perry - Hot n Cold
Timbaland ft Patrick Stump (FOB) - One and Only
Prince - When Doves Cry
Taylor Swift - The Way I Loved You
Bow Wow - Outta My System