I really ought to apologize to him. I lied when I said "It's not you, it's me" because it was him.
After kissing so many frogs, I finally found a prince. After all those duds, he made me see sparks.
He was the first boy that I'd kissed in a long time that made me feel butterflies.
And it scared the shit out of me.
He was so nice and sweet and kind. He made me nervous and I was afraid I wouldn't be able to control myself with him. Like I would just let the emotions take over; like I really could have fallen in love.
I tried to play it off and make excuses, talk myself out of it, date someone else. But the whole time I was with #2, I couldn't stop thinking about #1. Running into him in hallways, dreaming about passionately making out with him on their shared couch, fantasizing about sneaking into his bed in the middle of the night.
.......
"Shhh!" I'd put my finger to his lips as I slipped between his sheets, then kiss him softly right in the area between his ear and his cheek, running my hand strongly across his firm chest. I pictured his arms embracing me gently but kissing me firmly, holding me close and making me feel safe; like I was the only girl in the world.
.........
Maybe all my excuses were right. Maybe it's better that we were never together.
He would have treated me like a Princess and I turned around and treated him like a Frog.
And I never deserved him, anyway.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Tongue Tied
I'm terrible at talking about things. Words just tend to bunch up somewhere in the back of my throat, stumble around on my tongue and never make it past my lips. Whenever they do manage to come out of my mouth, they are discombobulated, adjectives running into nouns, trampling each other and never making sense. So that's why I write - because I'm horrible at getting out the things that I want to say in an eloquent enough way for them to makes sense to human ears. I try to explain myself to people, apologize for things, separate myself from situations in a mature, adult manner and I can't. It's not that I don't know how - I can formulate all the monologues in my head - but it's that I don't know how to get them out of there. So I don't. I cease communication. I cut people off. I cower into a corner, speechless. Because it's easier to be silent than try to stutter and ramble or be guilted or have to fight or defend myself. Easier than having words thrown back in my face - words that hurt or sting or pull at my heart strings. Words that make me feel things that I want to avoid.
Usually I'm better at writing than I am at speaking. But I haven't even been able to write lately. The words get stuck in the area between my brain and my fingers on computer keys. I've been worried about it. Thoughts that used to flow so easily now seem difficult to get down on a page; forcing my creativity to show itself ends in vain. Even this post right now is a challenge: I'm distracted. I'm distant, unfocused. Everything is crowded. All the great ideas, the stories, the jokes, the anecdotes - they're trapped, aching to find release. I know what I want to say, so why can't I just get it out?
........
They say if you never ask then you'll never know. But really, don't we already know? Isn't that why we're afraid to ask in the first place? We're not strong enough to face the rejection of our dreams - no matter how strong of an argument for them we may have, no matter how passionate we are for the cause - we're afraid of the possibility of "No". I was told "No" so often growing up every time I asked for something that I just decided to stop asking altogether, because I was tired of hearing no. I'm afraid to ask anything now, even if I know the answer will be a resounding yes; all because of the small fraction of the potential for "No."
I wish I could just tell him how I'm feeling. How when I got that email, how much I wanted to say the words that I'd been waiting so long to say because he'd finally said something that I'd been waiting so long to hear. "I'm lost too." I should have told him. "Come back and we can be lost together. We'll help each other find whatever it is we're looking for. I can be your Next." But I chickened out and just typed a sarcastic, off handed remark and the door to that topic was closed. And now the words are piling up because all I can think about is "What if?" What if I said what I'd wanted? Would it have had a warm reception? Or would he have just brushed it off as a passing, drunken comment in a moment of weakness that had no real weight on the reality of his situation? Maybe that's why I didn't say what I should have: because I was afraid that I wouldn't get the response that I was hoping for in my head. Maybe that's why I never say what I want to.
Because I'm afraid of the truth. Because I'm afraid of the "No".
If I don't ask, then he never has to let me down, he never has to reject me. I can keep the fantasy going in my head; the hoping, the wishing, the wanting, the waiting. In my head, I always get the answer I want.
But then the words start piling up. There's no where to put them all - all the things that I want to tell him, all the things I want answers to, the things I've put off discussing. They start clogging my brain. Then, there's no easy way for them to come out. The exits are blocked, the doors are bulging as they try to hold back the overflow. One day, I'm just going to explode and everything will just spill out like lava, destroying everything in its path.
...And then, I'll just get tongue tied again.
Usually I'm better at writing than I am at speaking. But I haven't even been able to write lately. The words get stuck in the area between my brain and my fingers on computer keys. I've been worried about it. Thoughts that used to flow so easily now seem difficult to get down on a page; forcing my creativity to show itself ends in vain. Even this post right now is a challenge: I'm distracted. I'm distant, unfocused. Everything is crowded. All the great ideas, the stories, the jokes, the anecdotes - they're trapped, aching to find release. I know what I want to say, so why can't I just get it out?
........
They say if you never ask then you'll never know. But really, don't we already know? Isn't that why we're afraid to ask in the first place? We're not strong enough to face the rejection of our dreams - no matter how strong of an argument for them we may have, no matter how passionate we are for the cause - we're afraid of the possibility of "No". I was told "No" so often growing up every time I asked for something that I just decided to stop asking altogether, because I was tired of hearing no. I'm afraid to ask anything now, even if I know the answer will be a resounding yes; all because of the small fraction of the potential for "No."
I wish I could just tell him how I'm feeling. How when I got that email, how much I wanted to say the words that I'd been waiting so long to say because he'd finally said something that I'd been waiting so long to hear. "I'm lost too." I should have told him. "Come back and we can be lost together. We'll help each other find whatever it is we're looking for. I can be your Next." But I chickened out and just typed a sarcastic, off handed remark and the door to that topic was closed. And now the words are piling up because all I can think about is "What if?" What if I said what I'd wanted? Would it have had a warm reception? Or would he have just brushed it off as a passing, drunken comment in a moment of weakness that had no real weight on the reality of his situation? Maybe that's why I didn't say what I should have: because I was afraid that I wouldn't get the response that I was hoping for in my head. Maybe that's why I never say what I want to.
Because I'm afraid of the truth. Because I'm afraid of the "No".
If I don't ask, then he never has to let me down, he never has to reject me. I can keep the fantasy going in my head; the hoping, the wishing, the wanting, the waiting. In my head, I always get the answer I want.
But then the words start piling up. There's no where to put them all - all the things that I want to tell him, all the things I want answers to, the things I've put off discussing. They start clogging my brain. Then, there's no easy way for them to come out. The exits are blocked, the doors are bulging as they try to hold back the overflow. One day, I'm just going to explode and everything will just spill out like lava, destroying everything in its path.
...And then, I'll just get tongue tied again.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Out of Order
"Out of Order"
Whenever we see or hear that phrase, it can mean a lot of things. It could refer to something that is broken and not currently functioning. It could mean that things are in disarray; out of order from the neat and proper way that they are supposed to be kept, out of place. Or, perhaps one of the most infamous ways this phrase has ever been uttered, from the movie "A Few Good Men": "You're out of order"! - inappropriate, stepping over the lines of decency. I've definitely applied all of those definitions to different aspects of my life within the past few weeks and they are really starting to take their toll on me. My whole universe is currently "out of order".
........
It all started with a boy, as most things in my life tend to start with. I met a boy who was nice and kind and sweet. I really liked him, I really did. But, I am so broken and out of order. There's just too much baggage in my life, skeletons banging to get out of my closets, that I could never expect someone like him to be able to handle that. He would never be able to carry all my baggage. And so, I let things go to the wayside.
And then, I met another boy. The only problem was: Boy #2 was Boy #1's roommate.
Because I'm not enough of a martyr. Because I apparently can't handle enough chaos in my life that I just need to keep piling it on and getting myself into situations that are unhealthy and probably going to end in (ok, always destined to end in) disaster, I moved things forward with Boy #2. (Apparently, they conferred about this situation - aka Me - first and Boy #1 gave reluctant approval for Boy #2 to ask me out.)
And I really liked Boy #2. He was basically like, the boy version of me. (Except, clearly, I'm way cooler and more attractive. /sarcasm) We became "partners in awesomeness". He thought I was clever and funny and beautiful (all true things, obviously) and I thought he was handsome and smart and brilliant. I admired and adored him. I loved joking and laughing and smiling and plotting with him.
Yet, despite all those awesome feelings and fun times, I kept defaulting to my stupid thing that I do with boys where I keep them at arms length and pretend I don't have feelings because I don't want to get hurt and try to keep everything as casual as possible and pretend like I don't care.
Only problem is: I started to care. And it scared the shit out of me.
"Hmm, I think I might kind of like you...", I once told him, half joking, half serious.
I kept trying to tell myself things to psych myself out of it, like "Well, I'm never going to love him like I love Emmett. He's never going to be as good as Emmett." or "Oh, I'm not trying to put down roots in Philadelphia. I'm leaving soon. I can't get into anything serious." My friend and I even resorted to making Pro & Con lists about him. (I know we all remember that episode of FRIENDS where Ross makes the Julie & Rachel pro/con list - and we saw how well that turned out at the time. "She's not Ratchum!??!")
But I started feeling like maybe this could be something serious, like maybe I could really fall for this person, like maybe Philadelphia wasn't so bad after all as long as I had someone to share it with. I got butterflies when I was with him and I got sad when we were apart. I always wanted to be around him; sharing kisses and creativity and scotch and calamari. That, my friends, sent me into the panic of the century. I started having anxiety attacks, worrying that I was going to get trapped here in Philadelphia - in a job I hate, in a sub-par relationship with someone who was not the soul mate I envisioned for myself. So of course, I went into self-sabotage mode.
Anything good in my life will always turn to shit. And its 99.9% always my fault.
The whole version of events as to how we met was something that we joked about a lot. It was unavoidable - literally. I mean, I was dating someone who had a roommate who I also went on a date with once. And there were playful jokes about well, maybe I should just go on over to Boy #1's room sometime and try and seduce him - or whatever. Totally and completely not serious, but wheels kept turning in my head. I kept having these "What if?" moments.
What if I had just dated Boy #1 instead? It wasn't that I didn't like him; we had a lot of common interests. What if I could date Boy #1 Mondays, Wednesdays & Fridays and Boy #2 Sundays, Tuesdays & Thursdays and then they could alternate Saturdays? What if I could really get these guys into a polyamorous relationship and have them be totally cool with it? I mean, in the Millenium trilogy, Berger is able to have her husband for one part of her life to fulfill certain needs, and Blomkvist as her lover and for everything else. Why could I have that too?
So, I got fucking greedy is what fucking happened.
I had already started being aloof with Boy #2 and downplaying things and acting like I didn't care. Rubbing it in his face that I'd applied to 2 jobs back home one week and how my boss had asked if he would come with me and I'd recoiled in disgust like, "GOD NO! I mean, it's not THAT serious!" How I couldn't wait to get the fuck out of Philadelphia and leave this shit stink of a town behind - and presumably him as well.
And then, one night, I did the unthinkable: I, while under the influence of several beers and shots of Patron, messaged Boy #1 and asked him to come over.
I mean, I wasn't even really being serious. I wasn't home at the time. I wasn't expecting him to actually come over. I knew he was out drunk too so I don't even know how he'd even get to my house (that I wasn't at). And even if he had shown up, I probably would have slammed the door in his face and laughed.
And then Boy #1 told Boy #2 and he was pissed.
I don't know why I expected him not to be. I don't know why I thought "I was really drunk" was going to be an excuse and he was going to forgive me for it. (Maybe because I once blatantly tried to shove my hands down the pants of a friend of a guy that I was dating - and not really into - right in front of him while shitfaced?) That's an excuse you use when you're 18, not when you're 28. And so I don't really know why I was shocked when he broke up with me.
At first, I was pissed and angry. Like, HOW DARE HE! Like I didn't cause this; that this was somehow his fault. And so I sat around being really pissy and angry for a week and hating Boy #1 and Boy #2 for getting me into this situation. Like somehow this all could have been prevented from Day 1 if we just had some kind of weird threesome and then let everything work itself out. To have eased the tension of avoiding Boy #1 every time I came to their apartment. To have stopped thinking about how I was flaunting this relationship with his roommate in his face.
Point is: I hurt people's feelings. And that's what's really fucking out of order.
My behavior was out of order and what I did isn't really forgivable. Shit, I wouldn't forgive me. But that's because I don't forgive anyone easily. (Must run in my family because my Mom is really good at holding grudges for decades.) But I wish I could be forgiven. I wish this albatross wasn't hanging from my neck day in and day out. I wish I could just go back and erase everything that happened - but I can't. I have felt guilt about what I've done, this pit in my stomach that won't go away. I hate myself. I deserve this shitty feeling of feeling like a shitty person because I am one.
And I want to apologize.
I've really started to like it in Philadelphia, and it was because of you. And now, I feel like I can't even go certain places because they remind me of you or things that we could be doing together. I sit there and I think, "Oh, he would really love this or that." Or, I'll see something that would be perfect for you or have an idea or a joke. And I can't even tell you about it because you hate me.
You inspired me to be something better than I was. The girl just biding my time til I got the hell up out of dodge; you made me want to do more, be more, dream bigger. The cupcake business, marketing ideas, freelancing - you awakened these dreams inside me to help me make my time here so much more enjoyable - and now, I just feel empty again and uninspired. I admired the way you dreamed big - the things that you wanted to create and I wish that I could be by your side supporting you and seeing you through it, seeing your genius reach the light. I wish I could be your partner again. I adored listening to how passionate you were about everything - and I won't lie, that's what I found sexiest about you - your creativity and intelligence. I was like a moth to a flame just wanting to feed off your energy and have that kind of dream for myself too.
I know you hate me right now. And you have every right to. I betrayed you. It was wrong and stupid and I want you to know how truly sorry I am. I am begging you please, if you could just listen with your heart when I tell you that, I know you can't forgive me right now - but I'm going to do everything in my power to make it up to you. No matter what happens. No matter what you decide to do. I hope we can at least be friends again one day.
I'm Sorry, Ricky.
Whenever we see or hear that phrase, it can mean a lot of things. It could refer to something that is broken and not currently functioning. It could mean that things are in disarray; out of order from the neat and proper way that they are supposed to be kept, out of place. Or, perhaps one of the most infamous ways this phrase has ever been uttered, from the movie "A Few Good Men": "You're out of order"! - inappropriate, stepping over the lines of decency. I've definitely applied all of those definitions to different aspects of my life within the past few weeks and they are really starting to take their toll on me. My whole universe is currently "out of order".
........
It all started with a boy, as most things in my life tend to start with. I met a boy who was nice and kind and sweet. I really liked him, I really did. But, I am so broken and out of order. There's just too much baggage in my life, skeletons banging to get out of my closets, that I could never expect someone like him to be able to handle that. He would never be able to carry all my baggage. And so, I let things go to the wayside.
And then, I met another boy. The only problem was: Boy #2 was Boy #1's roommate.
Because I'm not enough of a martyr. Because I apparently can't handle enough chaos in my life that I just need to keep piling it on and getting myself into situations that are unhealthy and probably going to end in (ok, always destined to end in) disaster, I moved things forward with Boy #2. (Apparently, they conferred about this situation - aka Me - first and Boy #1 gave reluctant approval for Boy #2 to ask me out.)
And I really liked Boy #2. He was basically like, the boy version of me. (Except, clearly, I'm way cooler and more attractive. /sarcasm) We became "partners in awesomeness". He thought I was clever and funny and beautiful (all true things, obviously) and I thought he was handsome and smart and brilliant. I admired and adored him. I loved joking and laughing and smiling and plotting with him.
Yet, despite all those awesome feelings and fun times, I kept defaulting to my stupid thing that I do with boys where I keep them at arms length and pretend I don't have feelings because I don't want to get hurt and try to keep everything as casual as possible and pretend like I don't care.
Only problem is: I started to care. And it scared the shit out of me.
"Hmm, I think I might kind of like you...", I once told him, half joking, half serious.
I kept trying to tell myself things to psych myself out of it, like "Well, I'm never going to love him like I love Emmett. He's never going to be as good as Emmett." or "Oh, I'm not trying to put down roots in Philadelphia. I'm leaving soon. I can't get into anything serious." My friend and I even resorted to making Pro & Con lists about him. (I know we all remember that episode of FRIENDS where Ross makes the Julie & Rachel pro/con list - and we saw how well that turned out at the time. "She's not Ratchum!??!")
But I started feeling like maybe this could be something serious, like maybe I could really fall for this person, like maybe Philadelphia wasn't so bad after all as long as I had someone to share it with. I got butterflies when I was with him and I got sad when we were apart. I always wanted to be around him; sharing kisses and creativity and scotch and calamari. That, my friends, sent me into the panic of the century. I started having anxiety attacks, worrying that I was going to get trapped here in Philadelphia - in a job I hate, in a sub-par relationship with someone who was not the soul mate I envisioned for myself. So of course, I went into self-sabotage mode.
Anything good in my life will always turn to shit. And its 99.9% always my fault.
The whole version of events as to how we met was something that we joked about a lot. It was unavoidable - literally. I mean, I was dating someone who had a roommate who I also went on a date with once. And there were playful jokes about well, maybe I should just go on over to Boy #1's room sometime and try and seduce him - or whatever. Totally and completely not serious, but wheels kept turning in my head. I kept having these "What if?" moments.
What if I had just dated Boy #1 instead? It wasn't that I didn't like him; we had a lot of common interests. What if I could date Boy #1 Mondays, Wednesdays & Fridays and Boy #2 Sundays, Tuesdays & Thursdays and then they could alternate Saturdays? What if I could really get these guys into a polyamorous relationship and have them be totally cool with it? I mean, in the Millenium trilogy, Berger is able to have her husband for one part of her life to fulfill certain needs, and Blomkvist as her lover and for everything else. Why could I have that too?
So, I got fucking greedy is what fucking happened.
I had already started being aloof with Boy #2 and downplaying things and acting like I didn't care. Rubbing it in his face that I'd applied to 2 jobs back home one week and how my boss had asked if he would come with me and I'd recoiled in disgust like, "GOD NO! I mean, it's not THAT serious!" How I couldn't wait to get the fuck out of Philadelphia and leave this shit stink of a town behind - and presumably him as well.
And then, one night, I did the unthinkable: I, while under the influence of several beers and shots of Patron, messaged Boy #1 and asked him to come over.
I mean, I wasn't even really being serious. I wasn't home at the time. I wasn't expecting him to actually come over. I knew he was out drunk too so I don't even know how he'd even get to my house (that I wasn't at). And even if he had shown up, I probably would have slammed the door in his face and laughed.
And then Boy #1 told Boy #2 and he was pissed.
I don't know why I expected him not to be. I don't know why I thought "I was really drunk" was going to be an excuse and he was going to forgive me for it. (Maybe because I once blatantly tried to shove my hands down the pants of a friend of a guy that I was dating - and not really into - right in front of him while shitfaced?) That's an excuse you use when you're 18, not when you're 28. And so I don't really know why I was shocked when he broke up with me.
At first, I was pissed and angry. Like, HOW DARE HE! Like I didn't cause this; that this was somehow his fault. And so I sat around being really pissy and angry for a week and hating Boy #1 and Boy #2 for getting me into this situation. Like somehow this all could have been prevented from Day 1 if we just had some kind of weird threesome and then let everything work itself out. To have eased the tension of avoiding Boy #1 every time I came to their apartment. To have stopped thinking about how I was flaunting this relationship with his roommate in his face.
Point is: I hurt people's feelings. And that's what's really fucking out of order.
My behavior was out of order and what I did isn't really forgivable. Shit, I wouldn't forgive me. But that's because I don't forgive anyone easily. (Must run in my family because my Mom is really good at holding grudges for decades.) But I wish I could be forgiven. I wish this albatross wasn't hanging from my neck day in and day out. I wish I could just go back and erase everything that happened - but I can't. I have felt guilt about what I've done, this pit in my stomach that won't go away. I hate myself. I deserve this shitty feeling of feeling like a shitty person because I am one.
And I want to apologize.
I've really started to like it in Philadelphia, and it was because of you. And now, I feel like I can't even go certain places because they remind me of you or things that we could be doing together. I sit there and I think, "Oh, he would really love this or that." Or, I'll see something that would be perfect for you or have an idea or a joke. And I can't even tell you about it because you hate me.
You inspired me to be something better than I was. The girl just biding my time til I got the hell up out of dodge; you made me want to do more, be more, dream bigger. The cupcake business, marketing ideas, freelancing - you awakened these dreams inside me to help me make my time here so much more enjoyable - and now, I just feel empty again and uninspired. I admired the way you dreamed big - the things that you wanted to create and I wish that I could be by your side supporting you and seeing you through it, seeing your genius reach the light. I wish I could be your partner again. I adored listening to how passionate you were about everything - and I won't lie, that's what I found sexiest about you - your creativity and intelligence. I was like a moth to a flame just wanting to feed off your energy and have that kind of dream for myself too.
I know you hate me right now. And you have every right to. I betrayed you. It was wrong and stupid and I want you to know how truly sorry I am. I am begging you please, if you could just listen with your heart when I tell you that, I know you can't forgive me right now - but I'm going to do everything in my power to make it up to you. No matter what happens. No matter what you decide to do. I hope we can at least be friends again one day.
I'm Sorry, Ricky.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Win Some, Lose Some
There are words inside my head, struggling to get out. I’ve
been trying, but they just don’t seem to want to come. I have demons inside me too
that are battling each other. They seem to have no problem slipping past from
time to time. But the darker ones, the deeper rooted ones; those are the ones
that are the worst. They fight and control me. They are the ones keeping the
words inside because they don’t want the truth to come out.
........
We’re all battling something, hiding something, running from
something. Most of the times, it’s from our own selves, from our past, our
present, our future. We run from the things that scare us and from the things
that bring us joy. We hide the person we used to be from the person we want
everyone to think that we’ve become. We battle the guilt we feel over doing
things, or not doing things, or not doing things the way we wish we had done
them, or over the way we did something that did not lead to lifting this guilt.
I’m an Asshole. I’m selfish, egotistical, a sociopath; self-obsessed
and un-remorseful. I’m opportunistic. I
do things without thinking of the consequences. I hurt other people without
thinking of their feelings. And then I feel guilty about the pain I’ve caused,
about the ways I’ve fucked up, about the people I’ve forced out of my life.
I’ve left a wake of boys and men in my path for 10 years and
I have nothing to show for it.
But why?
I don’t have daddy issues, but I am an only child. I was
never given everything and anything I wanted though. My parents made me work
for everything I’ve ever had. I could blame the one person who ruined my entire
life for me, but it didn’t just start there. I was doing this long before that –
this erratic behavior - sometimes manipulation of their feelings, sometimes
manipulation of my own. Shutting myself off and acting like I don’t give a fuck
one second, then crying and pleading because I realized that I’m ruining, have
ruined, a good thing.
At first, maybe it was just boredom. The first boy I ever
dated had an obsession with video games and became more interested in them than
with me. So what did I do? I went out and found someone to be obsessed with me
instead, while still dating the video game lover; an entire summer spent
sneaking around behind his back. And then, when my new paramour ‘cheated’ on me
with another girl, I was appalled and cut off contact with him; even though he
was doing precisely the same thing I was doing to someone else. Then, he told
me he loved me and I threw it back in his face. “You don’t love me. You don’t
even know what love is.” And went back to vie for the video game lover’s
attention.
I used them both to make myself feel better about myself,
and in the end, I was just alone and felt miserable. Several years later, I
even found myself with my paramour again, repeating the same cycle. I was
obsessed over another boy who wouldn’t give me the time of day – and once
again, he was there. So I led him on and baited him, and then dropped him like
a bad habit once I had the attention of object of my desires. What a vicious
cycle.
I want things my way, on my terms. Seems like a simple
request, no? But I guess it borders on selfishness, wanting someone only when
you want them, and the way you want them. Pushing them away when they’re too
close, then struggling to draw them to you to get the attention you crave when
it’s lacking. Pointing out all their flaws, the things that disgust you,
finding reasons to leave or to not get close – then grasping at straws for the
things you liked and loved, all the good points and great moments you shared
while you’re watching them walk away.
I thought maybe my destructive, abusive relationship may
have been the root of this – and ok, maybe it can take the credit for some of
it. He had played the game right back to me and he was better at it and he won.
He could be blamed for the trust issues, for the not wanting to let anyone get
close, to see the real you, for fear that they’ll realize you’re a
disappointment and leave. That they’ll see those demons peeking out of your
closet, find out who the real you really is, and despise it. Because everyone
you let get close to you once at one point in time all turned on you and left
you cold. Men who you’ve dragged through the mud, who would have gone to the
ends of the Earth and back for you, but you never even bothered to give them
the chance that they didn’t even know they never had. You played with their
heart strings while playing apathetic.
And then finally, he came along. A person who you didn’t
have to play games with, someone who finally understood you as you are and
called you out on all your bullshit when you tried to play the game with him
once and he wasn’t having it. And you didn’t have to fake it this time, the
feeling was real. But he left – but not because of you – but he was still gone.
And you reunited a few times and got closer, feelings grew deeper, and you
thought to yourself – this is it, the thing people talk about all the time:
Real Love. Soul mates. A partner for life.
And you told him you loved him so because you swear you’d
see it sparkling in his eyes whenever he looked at you, whenever he smiled that
smile he only smiled for you. He did the things that no one else ever did,
paying attention to all the tiniest details, and listening, really and truly
listening to you. Caring for you, taking everything into consideration that
made it worth it and you wanted to reciprocate all those things in the greatest
way you knew how.
And so you said those Three Little Words – words that you
had uttered as a teenager without knowing the meaning, as a love sick college
girl in the heat of the moment, on a dark winter night with someone you had
once thought could have been the one, over the window of a car door while
coerced by someone who had played the game back and won, and that one other
time where you didn’t even mean it at all - and this time, you really, really meant
those words this time.
But he didn’t say them back. And then, the walls caved in
all around you. You’d been waiting so long. It felt so right – how could this
not be right!?
It was time to play the game again.
You hoped maybe if you played the game long enough, you’d
find another him one day. Maybe you’ll find another one of him one day. I mean,
you will right? You have to, right?
So it was back to a string of dates with boys who didn’t
make your heart skip a beat the same way, who didn’t send a charge through your
body with a single kiss, whose eyes showed you something deeper when you looked
into them. Try one on, see if it fits. Don’t like it, but buy it anyway. Regret
it later but you’ve already cut off the tags so you can’t take it back now. You
wanted to try and like them, to give them a chance instead of always holding
them up to him for comparison. You really were trying. You were.
And then you found two pairs that you thought both looked
great. One fit one way, and the other fit the other way. You would never be
able to wear them to the same things; they both served different purposes and
would have been great for different occasions. The first pair was newer, fit
tighter, were the kind you wouldn’t want to take out of the closet unless it was
important. So you left the first pair in the closet and bought the second pair.
The second was more comfortable, an everyday kind of wear; reliable but you
over wore them and took them for granted. You kept trying to find problems with
the second pair that would give you a reason to wear the first pair, secretly lusting
over the first pair, wondering what it would be like to wear those all the time
instead. So, you wanted to see if you could try the first pair on for size and
the second pair caught you. And then, you were left with none.
You tried to go double or nothing and came up empty handed. You
were greedy and selfish and now, you were alone again. And now you feel guilty.
The second pair was great and was really starting to be your favorite. You had
fun together. They complimented you and made you feel confident, alive,
amazing, like you could have done anything. You could have taken on the world
with the second pair by your side. They almost made your forget all about him.
As much as you tried to fool yourself into thinking that you would never love
them as much as you loved him, you were warming up to the idea. It wasn’t quite
the same but it was a different kind of comfort, a different kind of fit. Like
switching from a boot cut to a straight leg: They both looked great on you and
hugged your curves in all the right places; they just gave you two totally
different looks. They could have been your favorite.
I know I can’t make amends for the hurt that I’ve caused in
the past, but if I could apologize knowing that my voice would be heard, and
that they would accept my apologies, I would. I don’t want it to feel forced or
feel like it’s falling on deaf ears. I want it to be genuine and real and
honest. I want the other person to accept that I am trying to change here and
give me that chance. But I think I’m past the point of repair.
You can’t make someone love you, but you sure as hell can
make someone stop. And you can’t make someone stop hating you, but you sure
know how to make them start.
I don’t know how to change the past but I think I know how
to change my future. I don’t want to play the game anymore. I want to actively
change my behavior to avoid this kind of destruction. I want to live without
fear of being hurt because I can’t get past my past. I want to give you a
chance and I want you to give me one too. Because we all deserve second chances
in life – and I think it’s time I got mine.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
V-Day Mixtape
Oh Valentine's Day - the day we live for, or the day we live to forget. No matter what your feelings are on this holiday that was completely contrived by the greeting card companies, and no matter what your relationship status, I have compiled a few playlists to help ease or elevate
your mood (depending on your situation) this February 14th.
The Unrequited Mix - For those of us who are soulfully pining over someone who probably doesn't even know that we're alive
Aaliyah - 4 Page Letter
Head Automatica - Beating Hearts Baby
Fergie - Clumsy
Ashlee Simpson - Fall in Love with Me
Michael Cera & Ellen Page - Anyone Else But You
Incubus - Stellar
Letters to Cleo - I Want You to Want Me
LL Cool J - Hey Lover ft. Boyz 2 Men
Mariah Carey - Fantasy
Leona Lewis - Bleeding Love
Dashboard Confessional - Stolen
Natasha Beddingfield - I Wanna Have Your Babies
Karina Pasian - Just Can't Find The Words
David Archuleta - Crush
Amerie - One Thing
Ryan Adams - Wonderwall
Janet Jackson - If I Was Your Girl
The Cardigans - Lovefool
The Over It Mix- When you've had it with your loved one, or former loved one
Mariah Carey - Shake it Off
Maroon 5 ft Rihanna - If I Never See Your Face Again
Keyshia Cole - I Just Want it to be Over
Blu Cantrell - Hit Em Up Style
Keyshia Cole - Let it Go
Aly & AJ - Potential Break Up Song
Ashanti - Unfoolish Remix
Justin Timberlake - Cry Me A River
Maroon 5 - Makes me Wonder
Keyshia Cole - I Should've Cheated
Ashlee Simpson - No Time for Tears
Danity Kane - Damaged
Christina Aguilera - Fighter
Ciara - Like a Boy
Beyonce - If I Were a Boy
Gilette - Mr Personality
Good Charlotte - I Don't Wanna be in Love
Jaheim - Put that Woman First
Kelly Clarkson - Behind These Hazel Eyes
Kelly Clarkson - Since You've Been Gone
Missy Elliot - Toyz
Mya - Case of the Ex
Mya - Movin On
Timbaland ft One Republic - Apologize
Rihanna - Breakin Dishes
Ashlee Simpson - Surrender
Black Eyed Peas - Don't Phunk With My Heart
Brandy - What About Us?
Cassie - Official Girl
Britney Spears - Womanizer
Britney Spears - Why Should I Be Sad?
Jennifer Hudson - Spotlight
Jennifer Lopez - I'm Gonna be Alright
Taylor Swift - You're Not Sorry
Carrie Underwood - Before He Cheats
The Back Seat Mix - For a foggy windowed good time (or inside if it's too cold)
Bobby Valentino - Tell Me (remix)
Marques Houston - Naked (remix)
Justin Timberlake - My Love
Ludacris - What's Your Fantasy
Ginuwine - My Pony
No Doubt - Making Out
Day 26 - All I Want is You
Mariah Carey - Touch My Body
Rihanna - Push Up On Me
Britney Spears - Breathe On Me
Britney Spears - And Then We Kiss (Junkie XL remix)
Snoop Dogg - Sexual Eruption
LL Cool J - Doin It
Cassie - Me & You
Duran Duran - Come Undone
Britney Spears - Phonography
Jay - Z ft Pharrell - Fuck All Nite
Boyz II Men - I'll Make Love To You
Missy Elliot - One Minute Man
Panic! At The Disco - Lying is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off
Lil Kim ft 50 Cent - Magic Stick
50 Cent - Amusement Park
Lil Wayne - Lollipop
Dru Hill - Got to Get It
The Happy Together Mix - Everything's perfect and happy and roses and sunshine! You're in LURVVVVVVVVE (lol)
50 Cent & Olivia - Best Friend
LL Cool J ft Amerie - Paradise
Natasha Beddingfield - Put Your Arms Around Me
Marie Digby - Say it Again
Common - Come Close
Jason Mraz - I'm Yours
Incubus - Echo
Jack Johnson - Banana Pancakes
Boyz II Men - On Bended Knee
Dashboard Confessional - As Lovers Go
Finley Quaye - Dice
Tanto Metro & Devonte - Everyone Falls in Love Sometimes
Mariah Carey - Ill be Loving you Long Time
Plain White Ts - 1, 2, 3, 4
Ashlee Simpson - L.O.V.E.
Ashlee Simpson - Never Dream Alone
Bow Wow ft Ciara - Like You
Single and Lovin it Mix - You're all you need!
Kelis - Bossy
Ne-Yo - Miss Independent
Katy Perry - I Kissed a Girl
Britney Spears - Touch of My Hand
Ashlee Simpson - Boys
Beyonce - Single Ladies
Britney Spears - My Prerogative
Black Eyed Peas - My Humps
City High - Caramel (remix)
Eve - Who's That Girl
Adina Howard - Freak Like Me
Nelly Furtado - Maneater
Pink - So What
Britney Spears - If You Seek Amy
Fall Out Boy - I Don't Care
Beyonce - Me, Myself, and I
Hate That I Love You Mix - You used to Love them, Now you Hate them (you think), either way, you can't' stop thinking about them
Miley Cyrus - 7 Things
Rihanna ft Chris Brown - Hate That I Love You
Chairlift - Bruises
Duffy - Stepping Stone
Amy Winehouse - Tears Dry On Their Own
Mariah Carey - Heartbreaker
Tegan & Sara - Back In Your Head
Bright Eyes - Lover I Don't Have to Love
Bush - The Chemicals Between Us
Alicia Keys - Like You'll Never see me Again
No Doubt - Running
Janet Jackson - Again
Kanye West - Heartless
Kanye West - Bittersweet Poetry
Lady GaGa - Brown Eyes
Little Boots - Stuck on Repeat
Mariah Carey - We Belong Together
Monica - So Gone
Ne-Yo - So Sick
SWV - Weak
No Doubt - Happy Now?
N'Sync - Gone
Paramore - I Caught Myself
Duffy - Mercy
Katy Perry - Hot n Cold
Timbaland ft Patrick Stump (FOB) - One and Only
Prince - When Doves Cry
Taylor Swift - The Way I Loved You
Bow Wow - Outta My System
The Unrequited Mix - For those of us who are soulfully pining over someone who probably doesn't even know that we're alive
Aaliyah - 4 Page Letter
Head Automatica - Beating Hearts Baby
Fergie - Clumsy
Ashlee Simpson - Fall in Love with Me
Michael Cera & Ellen Page - Anyone Else But You
Incubus - Stellar
Letters to Cleo - I Want You to Want Me
LL Cool J - Hey Lover ft. Boyz 2 Men
Mariah Carey - Fantasy
Leona Lewis - Bleeding Love
Dashboard Confessional - Stolen
Natasha Beddingfield - I Wanna Have Your Babies
Karina Pasian - Just Can't Find The Words
David Archuleta - Crush
Amerie - One Thing
Ryan Adams - Wonderwall
Janet Jackson - If I Was Your Girl
The Cardigans - Lovefool
The Over It Mix- When you've had it with your loved one, or former loved one
Mariah Carey - Shake it Off
Maroon 5 ft Rihanna - If I Never See Your Face Again
Keyshia Cole - I Just Want it to be Over
Blu Cantrell - Hit Em Up Style
Keyshia Cole - Let it Go
Aly & AJ - Potential Break Up Song
Ashanti - Unfoolish Remix
Justin Timberlake - Cry Me A River
Maroon 5 - Makes me Wonder
Keyshia Cole - I Should've Cheated
Ashlee Simpson - No Time for Tears
Danity Kane - Damaged
Christina Aguilera - Fighter
Ciara - Like a Boy
Beyonce - If I Were a Boy
Gilette - Mr Personality
Good Charlotte - I Don't Wanna be in Love
Jaheim - Put that Woman First
Kelly Clarkson - Behind These Hazel Eyes
Kelly Clarkson - Since You've Been Gone
Missy Elliot - Toyz
Mya - Case of the Ex
Mya - Movin On
Timbaland ft One Republic - Apologize
Rihanna - Breakin Dishes
Ashlee Simpson - Surrender
Black Eyed Peas - Don't Phunk With My Heart
Brandy - What About Us?
Cassie - Official Girl
Britney Spears - Womanizer
Britney Spears - Why Should I Be Sad?
Jennifer Hudson - Spotlight
Jennifer Lopez - I'm Gonna be Alright
Taylor Swift - You're Not Sorry
Carrie Underwood - Before He Cheats
The Back Seat Mix - For a foggy windowed good time (or inside if it's too cold)
Bobby Valentino - Tell Me (remix)
Marques Houston - Naked (remix)
Justin Timberlake - My Love
Ludacris - What's Your Fantasy
Ginuwine - My Pony
No Doubt - Making Out
Day 26 - All I Want is You
Mariah Carey - Touch My Body
Rihanna - Push Up On Me
Britney Spears - Breathe On Me
Britney Spears - And Then We Kiss (Junkie XL remix)
Snoop Dogg - Sexual Eruption
LL Cool J - Doin It
Cassie - Me & You
Duran Duran - Come Undone
Britney Spears - Phonography
Jay - Z ft Pharrell - Fuck All Nite
Boyz II Men - I'll Make Love To You
Missy Elliot - One Minute Man
Panic! At The Disco - Lying is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off
Lil Kim ft 50 Cent - Magic Stick
50 Cent - Amusement Park
Lil Wayne - Lollipop
Dru Hill - Got to Get It
The Happy Together Mix - Everything's perfect and happy and roses and sunshine! You're in LURVVVVVVVVE (lol)
50 Cent & Olivia - Best Friend
LL Cool J ft Amerie - Paradise
Natasha Beddingfield - Put Your Arms Around Me
Marie Digby - Say it Again
Common - Come Close
Jason Mraz - I'm Yours
Incubus - Echo
Jack Johnson - Banana Pancakes
Boyz II Men - On Bended Knee
Dashboard Confessional - As Lovers Go
Finley Quaye - Dice
Tanto Metro & Devonte - Everyone Falls in Love Sometimes
Mariah Carey - Ill be Loving you Long Time
Plain White Ts - 1, 2, 3, 4
Ashlee Simpson - L.O.V.E.
Ashlee Simpson - Never Dream Alone
Bow Wow ft Ciara - Like You
Single and Lovin it Mix - You're all you need!
Kelis - Bossy
Ne-Yo - Miss Independent
Katy Perry - I Kissed a Girl
Britney Spears - Touch of My Hand
Ashlee Simpson - Boys
Beyonce - Single Ladies
Britney Spears - My Prerogative
Black Eyed Peas - My Humps
City High - Caramel (remix)
Eve - Who's That Girl
Adina Howard - Freak Like Me
Nelly Furtado - Maneater
Pink - So What
Britney Spears - If You Seek Amy
Fall Out Boy - I Don't Care
Beyonce - Me, Myself, and I
Hate That I Love You Mix - You used to Love them, Now you Hate them (you think), either way, you can't' stop thinking about them
Miley Cyrus - 7 Things
Rihanna ft Chris Brown - Hate That I Love You
Chairlift - Bruises
Duffy - Stepping Stone
Amy Winehouse - Tears Dry On Their Own
Mariah Carey - Heartbreaker
Tegan & Sara - Back In Your Head
Bright Eyes - Lover I Don't Have to Love
Bush - The Chemicals Between Us
Alicia Keys - Like You'll Never see me Again
No Doubt - Running
Janet Jackson - Again
Kanye West - Heartless
Kanye West - Bittersweet Poetry
Lady GaGa - Brown Eyes
Little Boots - Stuck on Repeat
Mariah Carey - We Belong Together
Monica - So Gone
Ne-Yo - So Sick
SWV - Weak
No Doubt - Happy Now?
N'Sync - Gone
Paramore - I Caught Myself
Duffy - Mercy
Katy Perry - Hot n Cold
Timbaland ft Patrick Stump (FOB) - One and Only
Prince - When Doves Cry
Taylor Swift - The Way I Loved You
Bow Wow - Outta My System
Sunday, January 8, 2012
The Afterglow
Have you ever known someone and then not talked to or seen them for a while and then, when you do see them again, they just seem... broken? (I'm talking several months or years, not just days or weeks.) And it just seems like something has changed this person - a serious life event or maybe just the passing of time - to the point where they're just not the same as you remember once knowing them? You're hoping they're going to be the cheerful, hopeful, fun person that you remember and instead, there's just an awkward shell.
I went to Boston a few weeks ago and I saw Jon for the first time in at least 6 years. The last time we saw each other was about a year after we had broken up and we told each other how well the other looked, how great it was to see them and how they were doing. But then... everything changed.
He came inside Erin's apartment and could barely meet my gaze. When we got in the car and we were catching up he just seemed cold, pre-occupied, distant - not because of me, but something deeper. The conversation just didn't seem natural. Something just wasn't right, like a light had been turned off inside him; the flame of the young, bouncy, fun loving boy I knew when I was 19 years old had vanished. Sure people grow up and age and mature but that wasn't it. That wasn't how I knew him. He had never been awkward. He had always been outgoing and able to make friends in seconds and talk on an array of topics with passion and intensity. We had shared two years together filled with adventures and intelligent moments and philosophical pondering, intimacy, giggling, expanding our minds with drugs and research chemicals and loud electronic music. Maybe we weren't friends in the technical sense anymore but we still knew each other... didn't we?
Inside the club we got some drinks and caught up some more, saw old friends and bopped our heads to the music and he didn't dance. It was the first time I'd ever seen him just not immerse himself in the beats, feel the rhythm, see the way it let his body flow and ebb like a river. That had always been my favorite thing to do: watch him dance. He always looked so alive; each bass line controlling him like a marionette. At some point a girl had come up to him and talked to him and when she walked away he told me, "That was my ex.... She ruined my life." I laughed because I could relate.
He told me whenever I was ready to go, he was too, so I said I was ready and we left. We drove around in the late, dark night of Cambridge, looping through supermarket parking lots and idling at red lights. He asked me to come back to his place and cuddle and I obliged (even after he had told me earlier he was dating a really great girl - but they were in an open relationship which apparently he didn't abuse the privilege of). Once inside, he told me the story of his ex and I could see the pain, the emptiness so much clearer now. Could see how broken this girl had made him. He was always the nicest, most non-confrontational person. Everyone loved him and he loved all. He made friends with anyone and everyone. And yet, this girl turned his life upside down in such a malicious manner. I couldn't wrap my head around how anyone could ever do that to someone like him. We climbed up into his loft bed and he put on a wave light. I laid down 6 inches from him on his mattress and then, without warning, he pulled me close into him, sending me back in time.
It's so weird to think that someone who you used to kiss and hug and hold and love and make love with still exists when they're not in your life anymore. Even stranger still, when you reunite with this person and they touch you, it just feels like second nature. You can recall the way this person has stroked you in the past, the softness of their lips, every curve of their body, every scar and birthmark. And yet, he still allows you a bit of modesty to change your pants in his room while he waits outside even though he could probably close his eyes and still remember you naked. We laid in bed together, skin on skin, his arms around me spooning me from behind and suddenly, there it was - he was back. He slipped into this voice that I always remembered him using with me: soft, sweet, childlike. "I'm so glad you stayed", he whispered in my ear as he kissed my shoulders. I playfully bit him on the arm like I used to and he held me tighter, snuggling into my back. That bed became a time machine for the night.
In the morning, we woke up and were back to square one. He let me change in peace and drove me back to Erin's place. We gave a quick hug and waved goodbye and said how nice a time we had had and how it had been so good to see each other once again. I wish I hadn't had to lie. I wish I hadn't had to see him that way - vacant eyes and lost inside. It really pained me to see him so different and broken. But at least for that one moment at night, we were able to relive the past and put our present aside.
I went to Boston a few weeks ago and I saw Jon for the first time in at least 6 years. The last time we saw each other was about a year after we had broken up and we told each other how well the other looked, how great it was to see them and how they were doing. But then... everything changed.
He came inside Erin's apartment and could barely meet my gaze. When we got in the car and we were catching up he just seemed cold, pre-occupied, distant - not because of me, but something deeper. The conversation just didn't seem natural. Something just wasn't right, like a light had been turned off inside him; the flame of the young, bouncy, fun loving boy I knew when I was 19 years old had vanished. Sure people grow up and age and mature but that wasn't it. That wasn't how I knew him. He had never been awkward. He had always been outgoing and able to make friends in seconds and talk on an array of topics with passion and intensity. We had shared two years together filled with adventures and intelligent moments and philosophical pondering, intimacy, giggling, expanding our minds with drugs and research chemicals and loud electronic music. Maybe we weren't friends in the technical sense anymore but we still knew each other... didn't we?
Inside the club we got some drinks and caught up some more, saw old friends and bopped our heads to the music and he didn't dance. It was the first time I'd ever seen him just not immerse himself in the beats, feel the rhythm, see the way it let his body flow and ebb like a river. That had always been my favorite thing to do: watch him dance. He always looked so alive; each bass line controlling him like a marionette. At some point a girl had come up to him and talked to him and when she walked away he told me, "That was my ex.... She ruined my life." I laughed because I could relate.
He told me whenever I was ready to go, he was too, so I said I was ready and we left. We drove around in the late, dark night of Cambridge, looping through supermarket parking lots and idling at red lights. He asked me to come back to his place and cuddle and I obliged (even after he had told me earlier he was dating a really great girl - but they were in an open relationship which apparently he didn't abuse the privilege of). Once inside, he told me the story of his ex and I could see the pain, the emptiness so much clearer now. Could see how broken this girl had made him. He was always the nicest, most non-confrontational person. Everyone loved him and he loved all. He made friends with anyone and everyone. And yet, this girl turned his life upside down in such a malicious manner. I couldn't wrap my head around how anyone could ever do that to someone like him. We climbed up into his loft bed and he put on a wave light. I laid down 6 inches from him on his mattress and then, without warning, he pulled me close into him, sending me back in time.
It's so weird to think that someone who you used to kiss and hug and hold and love and make love with still exists when they're not in your life anymore. Even stranger still, when you reunite with this person and they touch you, it just feels like second nature. You can recall the way this person has stroked you in the past, the softness of their lips, every curve of their body, every scar and birthmark. And yet, he still allows you a bit of modesty to change your pants in his room while he waits outside even though he could probably close his eyes and still remember you naked. We laid in bed together, skin on skin, his arms around me spooning me from behind and suddenly, there it was - he was back. He slipped into this voice that I always remembered him using with me: soft, sweet, childlike. "I'm so glad you stayed", he whispered in my ear as he kissed my shoulders. I playfully bit him on the arm like I used to and he held me tighter, snuggling into my back. That bed became a time machine for the night.
In the morning, we woke up and were back to square one. He let me change in peace and drove me back to Erin's place. We gave a quick hug and waved goodbye and said how nice a time we had had and how it had been so good to see each other once again. I wish I hadn't had to lie. I wish I hadn't had to see him that way - vacant eyes and lost inside. It really pained me to see him so different and broken. But at least for that one moment at night, we were able to relive the past and put our present aside.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Like Crazy
A few weeks ago I had gone to see "50/50" and a trailer played for this movie during the previews:
It's called "Like Crazy" and it's about a couple who meet and have a long-distance relationship. Having dealt with my own trials and tribulations in that area, I knew immediately that I had to see this movie. So yesterday as part of the Philadelphia Film Festival, I went and watched this film that was the darling of "Sundance" this year.
Anna is an exchange student from England who meets Jacob in college a few months before graduation. We start out seeing how their relationship begins and then how it's ultimately torn apart by her Visa issues banning her return to the US; both struggling to hold onto their love at so many thousand miles away. It's at this point that the movie begins to emit a feeling that perhaps only those of us who have been in a long-distance relationship can really relate to.
In one of the reviews I read for the film online, the viewer said that they felt a certain disconnect between the characters; that they were annoyed that the relationship is just given to them in bits and pieces, scenes of fun times the couple spend together laughing and playing, and that there's never any strength in the development. Well, that's kind of the point. There's never any progression of their relationship because there never can be while they're on two opposite sides of the globe.
While visiting Anna for the first time in England, Jacob complains "I don't feel like I'm a part of your life. I feel like I'm on vacation" and Anna laments how hard it is for them to keep always starting and stopping. That's how long distance relationships wind up working out unfortunately. You're always stopping and starting, having to pick up where you last left off; not just physically, but emotionally as well. You really do just feel like you are always on vacation, that you're not a permanent fixture in that other person's life. You don't get to experience their daily routines, hang out with their friends and family, to really nurture and grow that bond between you because you are always leaving. Perhaps I related to this movie most of all because, while Anna and Jacob are separated, they are basically going on with their own lives - moving forward in their careers, seeing other people while still having a deep emotional connection with each other inside - and that's basically how my relationship with Emmett played out.
Other films I've watched about LDRs have the characters frequently Skyping and texting or emailing, but sometimes when you're both in areas with such extreme differences in time zones, it's better to just stop trying to make it work after awhile. This is essentially what happens with Anna and Jacob. In the beginning they are trying to get their times synced; One night while out at a bar, Jacob calls Anna, who herself has just come home and is already in bed and he wakes up her. In another scene, Anna is leaving Jacob a voicemail and struggles to figure out what time 5 PM her time would be in his time so that they can talk in real time. While Jacob is able to come visit on a few occasions, the relationship is stunted because Anna can't reciprocate as she cannot enter the US due to her previous Visa ban. Anna's father jokes at dinner that maybe they should just get married and solve the issue altogether, but they brush it off as they are both still young and growing.
The most gripping part of the film for me was when Anna calls Jacob crying while he's out with his new girlfriend. She tells him that she loves him and can't live without him; he's the only one who understands her, understands how she thinks and feels, and no one else gets it. I started bawling because that's exactly how I feel with Emmett. No one gets me like he can, no one else can ever possibly understand like he can. Then, she says that they should just do it. They should get married so she can get the Visa and come back to America. Jacob agrees and heads off to England where they get married. According to Anna's lawyer, they will only have to wait six months after the wedding and they will be able to get her the spousal Visa needed to come to America. Unfortunately, because the issue with Anna's Visa came from the Student office, the judge cannot grant the marriage visa until they lift the ban. And so, the couple must part ways and live apart once more. They both return to the partners they were seeing in the meantime and going on with their lives, their marriage on the back burner.
Eventually, the day finally comes where the ban is lifted and Anna is able to travel to America. But at this point, so much time has passed, it's as though Jacob and Anna have become strangers. In the final scene, Anna arrives at Jacob's loft and everything seems so awkward, as they're unsure how to interact with each other now that Anna is here for good. Anna decides to take a shower at Jacob's apartment and he joins her. While they try to embrace and kiss, to rekindle their romance and enjoy this monumental moment that they had been waiting so long for, both are at quite a distance with each other emotionally. It's a complete contradiction to the affectionate wedding night scene between the two that we witness earlier. Suddenly, Anna walks out of the shower, leaving Jacob under the running water and the film ends.
The audience started laughing, perhaps out of discomfort, with a sense of 'That's it?? That's the end??", but I don't really think that anyone fully understood the meaning of that scene. Jacob and Anna had built this relationship up so much, they had worked so hard to fight with the Visas, to eventually be together, that - at the point when they finally got to be together for real - they just weren't sure that was what they wanted anymore. I completely understood because that's been my biggest fear. That if there were ever a moment where Emmett and I got to finally be together in the same place, at the same time, would I still want it? Would the feeling still be the same?
Or was it better to just always be on "vacation"?
It's called "Like Crazy" and it's about a couple who meet and have a long-distance relationship. Having dealt with my own trials and tribulations in that area, I knew immediately that I had to see this movie. So yesterday as part of the Philadelphia Film Festival, I went and watched this film that was the darling of "Sundance" this year.
Anna is an exchange student from England who meets Jacob in college a few months before graduation. We start out seeing how their relationship begins and then how it's ultimately torn apart by her Visa issues banning her return to the US; both struggling to hold onto their love at so many thousand miles away. It's at this point that the movie begins to emit a feeling that perhaps only those of us who have been in a long-distance relationship can really relate to.
In one of the reviews I read for the film online, the viewer said that they felt a certain disconnect between the characters; that they were annoyed that the relationship is just given to them in bits and pieces, scenes of fun times the couple spend together laughing and playing, and that there's never any strength in the development. Well, that's kind of the point. There's never any progression of their relationship because there never can be while they're on two opposite sides of the globe.
While visiting Anna for the first time in England, Jacob complains "I don't feel like I'm a part of your life. I feel like I'm on vacation" and Anna laments how hard it is for them to keep always starting and stopping. That's how long distance relationships wind up working out unfortunately. You're always stopping and starting, having to pick up where you last left off; not just physically, but emotionally as well. You really do just feel like you are always on vacation, that you're not a permanent fixture in that other person's life. You don't get to experience their daily routines, hang out with their friends and family, to really nurture and grow that bond between you because you are always leaving. Perhaps I related to this movie most of all because, while Anna and Jacob are separated, they are basically going on with their own lives - moving forward in their careers, seeing other people while still having a deep emotional connection with each other inside - and that's basically how my relationship with Emmett played out.
Other films I've watched about LDRs have the characters frequently Skyping and texting or emailing, but sometimes when you're both in areas with such extreme differences in time zones, it's better to just stop trying to make it work after awhile. This is essentially what happens with Anna and Jacob. In the beginning they are trying to get their times synced; One night while out at a bar, Jacob calls Anna, who herself has just come home and is already in bed and he wakes up her. In another scene, Anna is leaving Jacob a voicemail and struggles to figure out what time 5 PM her time would be in his time so that they can talk in real time. While Jacob is able to come visit on a few occasions, the relationship is stunted because Anna can't reciprocate as she cannot enter the US due to her previous Visa ban. Anna's father jokes at dinner that maybe they should just get married and solve the issue altogether, but they brush it off as they are both still young and growing.
The most gripping part of the film for me was when Anna calls Jacob crying while he's out with his new girlfriend. She tells him that she loves him and can't live without him; he's the only one who understands her, understands how she thinks and feels, and no one else gets it. I started bawling because that's exactly how I feel with Emmett. No one gets me like he can, no one else can ever possibly understand like he can. Then, she says that they should just do it. They should get married so she can get the Visa and come back to America. Jacob agrees and heads off to England where they get married. According to Anna's lawyer, they will only have to wait six months after the wedding and they will be able to get her the spousal Visa needed to come to America. Unfortunately, because the issue with Anna's Visa came from the Student office, the judge cannot grant the marriage visa until they lift the ban. And so, the couple must part ways and live apart once more. They both return to the partners they were seeing in the meantime and going on with their lives, their marriage on the back burner.
Eventually, the day finally comes where the ban is lifted and Anna is able to travel to America. But at this point, so much time has passed, it's as though Jacob and Anna have become strangers. In the final scene, Anna arrives at Jacob's loft and everything seems so awkward, as they're unsure how to interact with each other now that Anna is here for good. Anna decides to take a shower at Jacob's apartment and he joins her. While they try to embrace and kiss, to rekindle their romance and enjoy this monumental moment that they had been waiting so long for, both are at quite a distance with each other emotionally. It's a complete contradiction to the affectionate wedding night scene between the two that we witness earlier. Suddenly, Anna walks out of the shower, leaving Jacob under the running water and the film ends.
The audience started laughing, perhaps out of discomfort, with a sense of 'That's it?? That's the end??", but I don't really think that anyone fully understood the meaning of that scene. Jacob and Anna had built this relationship up so much, they had worked so hard to fight with the Visas, to eventually be together, that - at the point when they finally got to be together for real - they just weren't sure that was what they wanted anymore. I completely understood because that's been my biggest fear. That if there were ever a moment where Emmett and I got to finally be together in the same place, at the same time, would I still want it? Would the feeling still be the same?
Or was it better to just always be on "vacation"?
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