Getting out of the 'Comfort Zone'

I've always had a problem with straying away from the familiar. For years, my wardrobe consisted of dark colors - blues, browns, greys, blacks. Graphic tees. Things that were comfortable and safe. Last year, when I started my new job, I started to venture out from the familiar as I re-vamped my work wardrobe. Button down shirts in every color of the rainbow with stripes and plaids, flower pins, snakeskin belts, herringbone flats, candy colored cardigans, pearl necklaces with tulle rosettes. Statement pieces.

In my regular wardrobe, I started to be more daring as well: Plaid orange and purple button downs. Skinny jeans with distressing and rips on the knees.4 inch wool grey pumps. Leggings with ankle boots and tunic shirts. A tan leather/bomber jacket acquired in Shibuya 109 with frilled shoulders, deep v-neck and a 3 inch zip on the bottom. A teal plaid flannel moto-jacket/shirt.

With regards to my life, I am still trying to venture out from the comfort zone I had always known. Growing up, I was the loner, the quiet, independent girl. I'd stay home and read and watch TV. I'd go to the movies and concerts alone. I ate chicken nuggets and fries religiously and was nervous about trying new foods because they might be gross or hot or spicy. I have and still am breaking boundaries in regards to my palate. I have acquired a love for Indian, Vietnamese and Thai food. In Japan, I was willing to try anything at least once like octopus, okonomiyaki and chicken curry. I have stopped being opposed to eating things just because I don't know what they are so I am not sure if I will like them or not. And now I found myself with a never-ending desire to eat corned beef sandwiches and tofu summer rolls.

My social life is still on eggshells. I am nervous about meeting new people and opening up about my life and my past. I am afraid to trust because I am afraid of getting hurt. I am basing everything in the future on everything that has happened in the past, and it is keeping me stuck in my comfort zone: being a shut-in every weekend when I should be out socializing and enjoying the weather and this city. At work, I don't talk to a lot of people other than those in my immediate office - I tell myself it is because I am trying to keep things professional, or because I don't care about getting to know little stupid facets of people's personal lives, or because I'm leaving next year so what's the point. But it's because I am afraid to let people in, to let them get to know me.

At happy hour last night, a co-worker that I'm not particularly fond of and I got to talking about stuff like TV and travel and I jokingly suggested we go to Atlantic City later that night. He was 100% serious about it. And so, at 8:30 that night, I found myself in the backseat of his car with him & his friend on the way to Atlantic City. Completely on a whim. Totally random. He joked with me that he was surprised I came because I "hate him". I joked back "Yeah, I know. I do." But we had a great time and of course, left alone with his friend, she asked me where I hung out on the weekends and I blushed and looked away when I told her I stay at home because I don't have a lot of friends, despite living here for a year. She told me that they go out a lot in my area and I should come out some time and took my number down. The inner dork inside me, the one longing for acceptance, smiled and save her number in my phone too. At the end of the night, I had had a really great time and made some new friends that I will hopefully hang out with again sometime soon.

See? That wasn't so hard. I can do this. Baby steps, baby steps.

Bridging the Gap

I'm an only child. Growing up, this meant I spent a lot of time playing board games by myself or reading as opposed to fighting with siblings over the last cookie or our parents' affection. But just because I was an only child, that didn't mean I didn't have sisters.

Kaylie and I met when we were 7 at summer camp, but our friendship didn't really start blooming until the summer we were 13. I was already friends with two other girls, Emily & Ashlee - who were cousins - and Kaylie became the fourth to our group in our pre-teen years. We spent all our camp periods talking about boys and sitting on the blacktop wall, acting too cool to play tennis or box ball or any of the other pre-arranged camp activities. Once we moved on to become counselors, Kaylie and I spent more of our time together, running the same activities together (Arts and Crafts, Cooking and Game Room), making runs to Mcdonalds for lunch on Wednesdays (Ravioli day = YUCK!) and volunteering for the same field trips. (Bronx Zoo!) She'd pick me up in the mornings and we'd go home together after camp, plotting what to do for the night - which usually involved going to the mall, the movies, local neighborhood festivals or to clubs and bars.

During the school year, we would hang out as well. She introduced me to all her friends in the Bronx and all her new friends when she moved to Westchester. We got into all kinds of trouble going to raves and participating in all types of underage drinking and mayhem. When we finally graduated high school, she came to visit me at college in Boston and then, when I moved back home, we were inseparable again. I was always down for whatever and became her sidekick for all kinds of misadventures like late night diner runs, playing open hockey with the Men's league or mani/pedis. Kaylie was like a streetlight and everyone who crossed her path became a moth, gravitating towards her presence. She was beautiful and sassy, modeling one moment and beating up anyone who talked smack the next. Guys wanted to date her and girls hated her guts. She knew what she wanted and she knew how to get it and wouldn't take no for an answer. She always told it like it was and wasn't afraid to let anyone know her opinion. I loved being around her because everyone else wanted to be around her too. She helped me find a confidence in myself that I never knew I had before - channeling my inner Bronx, talking tough and walking pretty.

When I first met my asshole ex  and introduced him to Kaylie, I knew she was going to hate him. He was loud, obnoxious, and almost like a male version of her the way he was never afraid to speak his mind. She was never shy about telling me how she didn't like him. I just wanted them to get along, but of course, that was never going to happen. He didn't like her either because she didn't like him, and so he never wanted me hanging out with her. I'd have to lie to both of them all the time and it was agonizing to be torn between two very important people in my life. Once things started getting bad in our relationship, I tried to hide everything from her. She wasn't the only one: I was alienating myself from other friends and even from my own family as well, putting on a happy face and smiling through the pain. All that confidence I had from hanging out with her had been stolen away by him and I didn't know how to get it back. I knew I couldn't tell her what he was doing to me because frankly, she would have killed him. And I was already afraid of him and didn't know what to do. And so, I did the worst possible thing you could ever possibly do to someone: I stopped talking to her for absolutely no reason. I cancelled plans. I didn't answer texts or phone calls or emails. I distanced myself from her because I didn't want her to see the way my life with him was spiraling out of control. Because of this, I lost a big part of my life. Kaylie was truly like the sister I had never had. She had two brothers and so it was like I was her sister too. I know that I really hurt her and I felt horrible for doing what I did, but I wasn't sure how to make it right. Even after my relationship with that shithead ended, I didn't know how to fix it - the damage was done, the bridge burning behind me.

Recently, thanks to the power of Facebook, Kaylie and I exchanged a few pleasantries via comments. We were both living in PA now so we shared our frustrations over the DMV system here or apartment/house hunting. So much time had passed though and I missed out on big parts of her life in the past 3 & 1/2 years: her engagement, her wedding, her graduation from Nursing school. This past weekend, she invited me and our mutual friend, Gigi to a Luau party at her Husband's firehouse and I was nervous; Would we be able to bridge the gap? Was it going to be tense or awkward? And even though she invited me, would she even talk to me? Should I take her aside and try to talk to her or apologize? I wasn't sure what to do.

At first, it was a little bit nerve wracking - Gigi and I showed up and she hugged Kaylie and everyone else there that she knew from her time living down there with her. And I just kind of stood there like, "oh hi." The three of us sat together, both Kaylie and I kind of turned away from each other - hiding our glances behind big sunglasses and letting Gigi basically lead the conversation. As the night wore on, we started to get more comfortable. I had to use the bathroom and I asked Gigi to come with me, but she wound up talking to someone else and Kaylie was like, "Well, now you know she's never gonna shut up!" and took me inside to go pee. I lightheartedly made a comment about how Gigi had been driving me nuts before she even go there and she joked back saying, "Yeah, she tends to do that." (Which we both are very familiar with in dealing with her when we were growing up.) Finally, the night was ending and we were bringing up old stories and the three of us headed to Kaylie's house, staying up late and talking - just like old times.

In the morning, I got up and went to get some water out of the fridge. Kaylie had some cards and pictures on them: party invites, save the dates, baby announcements, wedding pictures... And then, in a small square frame, there was a picture of her and me. It was taken in my college dorm room one weekend when she had come to visit. I looked around to see if she had any other pictures of her and friends on it, but that was the only one. I smiled and started to tear up a little bit. That's when it really hit me how much of an asshole I had been. I guess I never knew that I meant as much to her and she had meant to me. And I was just happy that she didn't hate me after all.

Gigi, Kaylie and I went to breakfast and when we came back to get my car, the two of us hugged goodbye and she thanked me for coming. I told her I was glad that she invited me. Hanging out with her made living in PA for the day just a little bit more enjoyable. It made it feel like my old life, made it feel like home. Hopefully this means that we will see each other more and hang out more, that I can start feeling like the old me again after all these years, and that someday soon, we'll be able to put this fire out together.

Which is great, because I really missed my sister.

Summer, Summertime.

I love Summer. Despite the intense heat and humidity, all the best, most amazing, most memorable moments that I can remember in my life have taken place during a multitude of summers. There were a variety of first kisses and summer flings, romances and loves. I got drunk for the first time the summer after high school. I gave my first blow job during the summer. The summer after freshman year of college, we took a Memorial day weekend trip to Seaside Heights that was a total shit show and we never went back again. My summers consisted of all kinds of crazy adventures with friends, trips, fights, makeups, breakups, love, sex, silliness.

From about age 14 to 23, I worked at a summer camp as a counselor with some of my best friends. Once we could drive, we started getting into all kinds of trouble. And once we could get into clubs, it got even worse. (and by worse, I mean more amazing.) Most nights during the week we would just hang out in our area, driving around, getting food, maybe going shopping, getting our nails done, going to the gym, or just being lazy. But once Friday afternoon at 4:30 rolled around, we would rush home after work, get all dolled up and head down to the City to go clubbing and hang out all night. We'd straighten our hair and put on makeup, our cutest jeans and tops, Diesel sneakers and our little purses and hop on the 6 train into Manhattan. Once we knew people old enough to buy booze for us, we'd sneak drinks on the train by pouring them into Sprite or Coke bottles, or the occasional slurpee from 7-11. We'd drink and laugh and generally irritate anyone around us on the subway who was heading home from work. Kim would do her daredevil Superman hang off of the subway pole thing. We'd get to the club and dance all night; house stepping in the ballroom at Webster Hall, grinding in the basement and rocking out to 80s hits on the main floor. Then we'd leave, pass out on the train home and hit up the diner - my usual was always either grilled cheese & fries or breakfast: two eggs over easy, toast, bacon and home fries.

There were lots of beach trips where we'd sit in traffic going out to Jones and get burnt to a crisp, then go to Palladium/Arena or North Ave (when they still existed) or White Plains to drink and hang out and party. One of our coworkers from camp was a bouncer at a bunch of the bars, so we never worried about getting carded. And another coworker was a bartender, so we always got free drinks. Linz's house was always good for drinking when her parents were out of town. (and then getting naked in the hot tub.) Steph's was fun to chill out and watch TV and play Mario Kart til 3 am.

Then all the fun came to an end. Everyone got adult jobs or moved away or got married or we drifted apart from each other and so there went all the summer fun. I had several summers for a while especially where I worked 7 days a week and didn't get to the beach once. (I still tried to make the summer as fun as I could, although it just wasn't the same.) I wish I could take a time machine back to those moments where everything was so fun and carefree, and instead of worrying about bills and rent, the only thing we worried about was how we were gonna get booze and what we were wearing that night.

Tonight is the official first night of Summer; The summer solstice. Here's hoping that this summer is just as memorable as summers past.