Remember the Time

I didn't want to keep writing about him since he made it clear he didn't want me thinking about him anymore but Timehop reminded me that on this day, three years ago, Emmett came back into my life.

....

I hadn't heard from him in six months and a friend had invited me to stay with her Tokyo for a few weeks. Airfare was cheap and I hopped at the chance. I posted on Facebook that I was planning on being in Japan for 3 weeks; making plans with friends of mine teaching English there across the country. At this point, Emmett had left six months prior and I hadn't yet heard from him - and didn't know if I would.

And then suddenly, he was active on Facebook - which he hadn't been for the six months he'd been gone. He hadn't contacted me yet so I was upset. I updated my status to "Well, I guess that's settled." - a  slight at him, seeing as he was still alive and living his life and obviously couldn't care about me. He commented on my status that "Things tend to settle during flight." I ignored it. He was always kind of snarky and cheeky.

Then he sent me a message. A mutual friend had told him I was coming to Japan and, if I wasn't too busy, he was hoping I would come and stay with him; he'd love to see me again and show me where he lived. I was angry and apprehensive about it. How could you just turn up out of the blue and expect me to be ok? Expect this to be ok? I said, well, I supposed I did have some time unaccounted for that I could stay a few days. I reserved my final week in Japan to stay with him in a tiny mountain town called Yokote, four hours north of Tokyo.

......

I had spent the weekend drinking and laughing with friends in Osaka and Hiroshima. And on a dreary Sunday afternoon, I boarded a Shinkansen back to Osaka, then to Tokyo, and further on to a place I'd never heard of called Omagari, in Akita Prefecture, where Emmett said he would pick me up. It took 9 hours start to finish. Three trains and three climate changes and I was there. It was late and I'd taken my contact lens out on the train and put on my velour sweatpants, hair in a pony tail. I hadn't showered since we'd spent all night in a karaoke bar and I passed out on a friend's couch. But I was nervous and my keitai had died and now here I was with the train doors opening into this frigid climate.

Omagari.

My backpack on and giant rolling suitcase in one hand, I stepped out onto the platform. I looked up and I could see his silhouette looking down on me from the observation deck. I nervously got on one escalator and then another, heart beating out of my chest, fumbling with my rail pass for the gate agent as I saw him waiting patiently on the other side for me. He looked different, older; his face acne scarred by the climate change. Once I cleared the gate, we half hugged and he awkwardly sought out an elevator. We looked at each other stone faced, trying to hide our nervousness, and loaded my things into his Saab; an interesting choice of car for someone teaching English in Japan. Most of my friends drove tiny kei cars; cheap little aluminum boxes - but somehow, this suited him, suited his personality. He would have driven something like this in the States if he made enough, I suppose. Then again, he drove a Honda Civic when he was living in Ohio when I'd known him then. Maybe this was an upgrade.

He fumbled with the GPS on his phone, trying to figure out how to get back. He almost ran a red light and I yelled at him. We stopped at a diner for pancakes and coffee. (Well, I got pancakes. He just got soup.) And then, a short while later, we'd arrived at his apartment complex which was named Moulin Rouge - although far from the French landmark. I began to unpack my things: presents I'd brought for him like Burt's Bees lotion and Kraft Mac & Cheese powder. I told him I was going to take a shower. I washed all my parts and shaved from head to toe. I'd been waiting for this moment for months. I wanted everything to be perfect. To feel his kiss, his touch, his embrace again. I'd been waiting. And I emerged in my pajamas and we sat on his couch - on opposite sides of his couch - and talked about my journey.

And then, like two high schoolers, we were suddenly in a ferocious lip lock. Our glasses clinked together comically and we stopped and threw them off and continued to kiss, to ravage each other. I straddled him and let my wet hair envelope his pockmarked face. I kissed his soft lips as his mustache tickled underneath my nose and then he took me and threw me down onto the futon on the floor. He kissed my neck and took off my shirt and began to kiss my breasts, down my stomach, pulling down my pants which slid off my hips that were thin from being worn out waiting for him. I was naked and exposed and I just wanted what I'd been waiting so long for. He kissed my inner thighs.

I flipped him and mounted him and removed his shirt, undid his belt, unzipped his pants. I just couldn't wait and I took him into my mouth and he teased, moving his cock away from my lips. I flicked my tongue and he'd jerk himself back just out of reach, then I'd take him deep again until he just couldn't take it anymore. He cut to the chase, pulling me by my arms up to face him, kissing me passionately before he flipped me on to my back, and then entered me. And we fucked and fucked and made up for those past six months with every thrust and scratch and scrape and pulse and grip. We came together, just like we always had. And we fell asleep in each other's arms.

I woke up the next morning to his alarm going off for work and the first thing he did was spoon me from behind and kiss my shoulder. Then he got up and showered and I watched him get dressed for work, wishing that day could be my every day. He kissed me goodbye, told me there was soda in the fridge and a key for the locker for the bicycle if I wanted to go out, but he'd be back at noon. I woke up and made some eggs and uploaded pictures and watching some TV and then took a nap.

He woke me up by whispering in my ear that I probably shouldn't leave the door unlocked. I gasped.

.....

By the end of the week, I'd gotten so used to him that I wished I hadn't had to leave. But Emmett got dressed for work and we drove back to the train in minimal silence and I got my ticket and he hugged and kissed me swiftly even though I could hear him starting to choke up and I boarded my train back to Tokyo in tears behind my sunglasses.

And I cried all the way to the airport and in the airport and on the plane until I fell asleep because I knew that this was the man that I was supposed to love and spend the rest of my life with and I knew deep down somewhere that something was going to prevent it from happening.

.....

And it turns out that something was me.

Twice Broken, Once Shy

They say that nice guys finish last and yeah, this is probably true. We always throw the nice guy aside for the asshole and regret it later on down the line. But by that time, it's too late to take things back: we've already broken their heart.

Unless you're me and you manage to do this to the same guy twice.

Seal (just go with it) and I met when I was dating my first boyfriend one night in April 2001 when a group of us went out to Applebees. I thought he was really cute... and tall. We kind of flirted a bit. He stole a cup from the restaurant and then whacked his head on my car door. But it turned out he was like, 15 and I was 17. (Plus, you  know, I had a boyfriend.)

A few months later, I was at my friend Kaylee's house getting ready to go to a house party at our friend's house; I had a cute guy from our summer job with me as my date. (And yes, I was still going out with my boyfriend - but it was the summer before college, and I was determined to leave him behind when I left for school and have some fun. He was also a recluse who played online RPGs and didn't drive so he never left the house and hence, I couldn't get caught!) Well, in walked my friend's boyfriend with Seal - we were all going to the party together. Now I was in a dilemma: One girl, two cute and very young boys. What's a girl to do? Simple. Spend the first half of the night with boy #1 until he has to leave at midnight, at which point your friend's boyfriend plays the ultimate wingman and pushes you into a pantry closet with boy #2. Problem solved.

I basically started "dating" Seal all summer before I left for college, despite having an actual boyfriend. We did all kinds of couple-y things like go to dinner and the mall and the amusement park. (We took adorable kissy faced photobooth pics and he won me a stuffed mouse.) I even took him to our summer job's end of season dinner. But then summer ended and I went away to college. And then I found out he got drunk one night and hooked up with some ugly fat girl. I called him and yelled at him and you know what he said to me? "But you have a boyfriend!!!!" The nerve. I ended things with him. I couldn't believe he was hooking up with other girls! I thought we had a thing! I went to my friend's boyfriend's house for New Year's Eve and he was there and, while he was drunk and crying and telling me he loved me, I told him he didn't know what love was and I hated him.

I never talked to him again....Until four years later.

My friends and I were going out clubbing one night when Kaylee decided to sideline me; She didn't tell me that her ex-bf had invited Seal with us. So when they picked me up and he was in the car, I gave my biggest "OH HELL NAW!" face the whole ride. Seal said hello and I was definitely less than cordial. I gave him the death stare all night. When we were waiting for the subway home, everyone was kind of tired and out of it and I was starting to sober up. Seal started talking to me and somehow, he broke my anger spell when he mentioned he was reading Descartes in Comp & Lit class. I had just read it too so we broke out into this whole conversation about it. We talked the whole ride home and, when everyone else was too tired to go to the diner afterwards, me and him decided to go alone.

We had a good time talking and eating and he was going to give me a ride home. When we got into his car, it was kind of cold and he had to wait a bit for his car's heat to kick in. So, he said to me - and this is probably the best line I've ever heard in my life: "I hear the fastest way to warm is through your lips." And he kissed me. Suddenly, all those butterflies and feelings from the first time were coming back. We started hanging out again, doing coupley things. Going to dinners and movies. But there was another problem this time: I didn't have a boyfriend, but I was still pining over who-was-soon-to-be-my-epically-horrible-ex. (Who I had dated briefly that winter and stopped talking to, but was hoping to try to reconnect with.)

While Seal and I were having great times together, I couldn't stop thinking about that Shithead and I don't even know why. Seal was sweet and kind and funny and goofy. (He was also a bit of a flighty pothead.) He was thoughtful and wonderful and would have done everything and anything to me, catered to my every desire. He tried so hard to impress me. The most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me was when Seal took me to the toy store and bought me a Winnie the Pooh kite. Then he took me to the park where we flew the kite and he spread out a blanket on the grass and we laid down together with the kite in the air, snuggling and kissing. He asked me to be his girlfriend and I said, no, I don't really wanna be in a relationship. He asked me if it had to do with the other guy. I kinda lied and said no, but it was.

Then Seal started getting clingy and trying really hard to win me over, changing to be like some nerdy TV character I said I liked and that sort of reminded me of him, and it was a total turn off and I just started blowing him off and stopped answering his calls. He called and left me a drunken voicemail telling me how much he loved me and how I was breaking his heart (again). I felt like kind of a bitch, but I just was so focused on being with someone else that it didn't really affect me....

Until I started dating that asshole and every minute where I felt like I just wanted to die from the way he was treating me, I would stop and think to myself, "Why the fuck didn't I just date Seal???" I would have been so happy and treated like a Princess instead of being told to walk in front of a bus and being called a stupid bitch. I would have someone who would have done everything for me without being asked, instead of having someone who wouldn't even pay his own bills or pick up his clothes without a fight.

A few years later, Kaylee sidelined me again and Seal came out to a group dinner with us, but this time, he had his new girlfriend with him. I was alone, of course, since my ex was the world's biggest asshole and couldn't be taken in public without creating a scene and embarrassing everyone in his presence - also, all my friends hated him. So, I tried to pretend like I was soooo happy. But it was killing me to see him with someone else. Making someone else happy the way he should have been making me happy. I looked him up on Facebook today - He's still with her now, and they look unbelievably, blissfully in love.

I had a dream about Seal last night. He told me he still loved me but he couldn't let me break his heart again. This time, I wouldn't. But people don't get third chances.

........

I'm sorry, Mark.