Growing Pains

At some point in our lives, we're supposed to reach adulthood. You know, the moment that the perfect job, house and family that you dreamt about as a kid eventually starts to become a reality. Yeah, that hasn't happened for me yet. I get this suspiciously nauseated feeling anytime someone calls me ma'am or implies that I have responsibilities of any sort. The thought of being someone's wife makes me want to throw myself off a cliff. And having babies? Forget it - you might as well be burning me at the stake. But at 26, what can the world really expect of you? You're basically just a few years out of college, getting your bearings like a freshly birthed calf. I barely have a job that can be considered more than a glorified receptionist position and can almost pay rent on time if I eat ramen noodles 6 days a week. Now you want to add getting married and bearing children on top of that? I don't think I like the sound of this growing up thing. Nope, not one bit.

Of course, continuing to live it up as though you're still in college on the weekends tends to give more straitlaced people a biased opinion of your life. They give you the side eye when you talk about blacking out and not remembering your Saturday night or how you woke up naked in bed clutching your sandal. Hey, just because I like to party a little doesn't mean I'm not serious about my future. I have life goals just like anyone else. Of course, these tend to involve finding a divorcee going through a midlife crisis who has managed to avoid having his ex wife bleed him dry & being my sugar daddy for a bit while he enjoys the hot young arm candy and blowjobs his wife has withheld from him for the last 15 years. I don't think this makes me a whore, I think this makes me smart. A wise old man I used to work with told me once: "Find an old guy with a house, a car and a lot of money. Then marry him and give him a heart attack. Then you can marry whoever you want after that because you already have a house and money." Truer words were never spoken.