Wednesday, September 8, 2010

The Pursuit of Happiness

I am in a funk. A horrible, never-ending, unchanging funk. I am discontent with my current life and the direction in which it appears to be going. I am frustrated by my living arrangments, my current position of employment and my romantic situation. While I know that better things are on the horizon, it is the getting there that is frustrating me the most. Everything will change come springtime. And by this time next year, hopefully I will finally have found the balance of all things that are messing up the Feng Shui of my life.

I know that people sometimes have a tendency to view different points of their life as different chapters. Well, right now, my life feels like those last 50 pages of a really intense book where you are at the Climax and just want to know what the hell happens at the end already! I don't want to write another chapter to this current version of my life; I want to start over. To write the sequel to the first book of my life and the spin-off to this sort of short novella the past year of my life has been comprised of. I thought that the plotline was perfect when I took off from Connecticut and moved to Pennsylvania last year, but clearly, it just didn't generate that much interest and quickly fell off the Best Seller list.

I am struggling to find my place in the world, struggling to gain footing on which I can find solid ground. I want to be able to start a career in a field that I love, doing something exciting and amazing, where I can only go up and grow and learn, instead of stagnating and simply shifting sideways. I want to live in a city that I can embrace and call my own, that loves me back with the same voracity that I have come to love it over the course of my entire existence; That I can wake up in the morning and feel proud to call home and where the smile never comes off my face as I walk its streets. And I want that perfect boy - who suits me in so many ways, ways that I have been looking for my whole life over, who completes me and understands me like no one else, who matches me like for like, whose soul sings the harmony with my lead vocals - to come back and be my partner in life and never be ordinary and grow old with me.

When all these three things finally align themselves in my life, home, career and love, it will be like sitting behind a slot machine in Vegas, putting in your last quarter, pulling the handle, and seeing three "7"s pop up on the screen. I'll have won the jackpot and then I couldn't ask for anything more.

.......But until then, I'll just keep trying to breaking even.

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