Thursday, September 9, 2010

The Walking Idiom

I am not holding my breath anymore. I am taking all my eggs out of this basket.

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I am tired of waiting.

I used to think it was worth it - but where does waiting ever get you? It makes you paranoid that the second you stop waiting, the thing that you were waiting for will finally happen - and so you keep waiting indefinitely.

I am done putting myself out there for him, for you, for everyone. I am done being the one who cares enough to try to make plans with people or send messages or to just plain care and get nothing in return. Am I too available? Maybe. Maybe that's what makes my frustration so much more difficult. It is like the whole world is going on around me and I am just there standing still. I try to make plans with friends for drinks, dinner, vacations - and even the simplest things never come to fruition. I hate that I am always so ready to go that extra mile for everyone in my life, but I don't get the same respect in return.

Why is no one calling me or emailing me or bending over backwards to visit me or make plans with me or be an active presence in my life? Then I wind up feeling like if I am being too pro-active or too "in touch", that I am being too clingy or too dependent or too available - And all these new forms of technology that have supposed to improve our lines of communication just make it easier to be ignored, to fall under the radar, to get sorted into the "SPAM" box.

So I will just sit here and not expect your IMs or your emails or your texts or your Facebook messages or your letters or care packages or e-vites. I am done stressing myself out with all this waiting. I am walking away from this bus stop of my life - because if I get a head start,  I'll already be halfway there when you finally decide to show up.


  1. yo, big e-hugs. when I come back we will actually do stuff and have fun doing it. because like you, I'm sick of always being the one who initiates.