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and while im not sure yet what i want to do with my future, i think part of me is just struggling to hold on to the past. i walked by a bunch of little kids today and thought to myself, oh to be young again. to not have any problems - no bills, no boyfriends, no stress, no aggravation, no job, no one constantly asking you "So what are you gonna do now?", no one nagging you to save your money, pay your bills, your student loans, this, that, do the dishes, pay the rent...
i cant take it. once school is done, im saving up a bit of money and just getting away for a while. i really need it. ive seriously burned myself out physically, mentally, and emotionally in the past five years...
i really wanna go to japan for a little while. maybe wander around ala scarlett johannson in Lost in Translation... Let myself get lost in a city of rushing people whose language I don't speak. Maybe then no one will be asking me any questions...
i admire my friends who pick up and move around at whim. they're ability to adapt, to change, to accept change... and i want so badly to do that. i want so badly for that to one day be able to be me. to say "hmm, im getting tired of living here - im gonna go there and start over". id love that kind of freedom, but im so so scared.
everyday is getting to be a struggle sometimes. the past six months i was so overwhelmed i thought my head would explode. now, its only slightly overinflated. ive just been working, schooling, everyone else is gone, ive been cut off from all my friends and my passions and it has been driving me seriously insane. ive cried pretty much almost everyday or every other day just because i feel so alone sometimes. i go to sleep at night, i plan out my week in my head: work 11-5:30, home, sleep, start over. work 5:30-12:00, home sleep, start over, school 9:00-12:30, 1:00-4:30, work 5:30-12:00, lather rinse repeat.
my writing has been slacking as well. im not nearly as eloquent as id like to believe i used to be. if that's what i want to do with my life, im starting to think im fucked. but maybe its somewhere in there. its just not ready to come out yet. its like ive had writers block for 5 years... no thats not entirely true. i did do a little writing 2 years ago. yeah, so then only 2 years of writers block. the rest, emptiness.
and its like, sometimes i cant decide if its the drugs or if its the post traumatic stress/post 9/11 thats caused this change. i never used to be so cognizant of certain things - at least not to extremes like now... my social anxiety disorder creeping back slowly, slowly... i dont want the medication. i just want to be normal. i just need someone who i can have close by all the time, who will listen - and really listen, and care. i know theres a few of you out there, but damned, cant i just keep you in my pocket?
alright, its late, im done rambling. i hope i got you up to speed.
xoxo
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Isn't it weird to look back sometimes on that person you once were? As much as you want to think you've changed, are changing, can change - you can never completely shed your past. There's always going to be a part of you that still falls into those same patterns and habits.
Reading further posts about the tumultuous "courtship" between me and my ex (dating, falling for him, not being completely in a relationship and wanting more, afraid to tell him how I feel), I can relate all those same feelings even right now to my situation with Emmett. Sitting around contemplating how he feels, afraid to ask, afraid to tell him, crying, fretting, worrying, waiting, wishing, hoping...
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maybe i shouldn't be too quick to rush this. something deep down inside keeps telling me this is meant to be... take it slow... let him figure out what it is he wants. it's just so hard for me to hold back the feelings. i mean, im not good at expressing them to begin with really, esp. when it comes to him, but everytime those
........
what if hes just using me? that im just some plain ugly stupid girl who he knows likes him and so he takes advantage of that, mistaking my kindness for weakness, and walks all over me? hes probably got all these other girls that i dont even know about that are way prettier and skinnier and cuter and stuff than me and what does he want to hang out with this nerdy fat ugly girl with a big nose and a fat ass for?
........
i know theres nothing i can say or do to make him stay, but i want to at least let him know how i feel... find out if he feels the same, felt the same? would feel the same?... if things would have worked if he were staying...
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It's like history is repeating itself - and maybe that's why I'm so terrified to just let myself go in this situation. I know that Emmett is nothing like the POS person that attached himself to my life and sucked all the fun and beauty and happiness and independence out. I just spent five amazing wonderful days with him and know well enough that he's leaps and bounds above that asshole mentally, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, intellectually. I just don't know how to separate him from these feelings of fear, these severe trust and abandonment issues, the lack of self worth that are attached to personal relationships that I have had recently.
It's a new decade. It's been 10 years since I graduated High School. It's time for me to really start living my life the way it was meant to be lived. I want 2011 to be everything that I wanted my grown-up life to be when I was 17 years old. I want to start my career and have my own cute apartment and trendy clothes and fashionable friends. To feel free and powerful and beautiful and happy and in love. I don't want the record to keep playing on and on. I want to rip the Band-Aid off and stand up for myself and conquer these insecurities once and for all. I want that to be my resolution this year.
So, I'm going to do it. I'm going to tell him how I feel. No matter how hard it is to get the words out, to fight the lump in my throat, to feel the fear and dread of rejection in the pit of my stomach - I'm going to do it. I can't live in fear for another 10 years. I can't spend the rest of my life worrying about the "What ifs" or being afraid that people are going to say "No" to me or get mad when I ask them simple things. (Thanks for that special kind of fear, Mom.) And then I am going to apply that to the rest of my life. I am going to hold my head up high and ask and demand and fight my way to get where I want to be - and instead of cowering in fear, I am going to politely respond "Thank you for your time" and walk away with my head still high.... And on to the next one.
A New Me: That is my New Year's Resolution.
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