Friday, January 28, 2011

Simple Kind of Life

I've been doing a lot of analyzing of my life recently as far as what I want for myself and what I want for the future. There are just so many options, so many alternatives, that sometimes, I wish I was just a simple girl.

"I think your either born simple or you're not. I want to be the person who gets happy over finding the perfect dress. I want to be simple because no one holds a gun to the head of a simple girl." - Dr. Christina Yang, Grey's Anatomy

I know it's kind of immature or un-PC to think of people as being "simple", but there really is a difference when it comes to the way people choose to live their lives. There are the over achievers, the perfectionists, the want to get ahead-ers, the need to control situations, be the best, be the most successful - and then, there are simple people; people perfectly content with where they are in life. With never climbing any higher up the ladder, never leaving the towns they grew up in, no interest in furthering their careers or wanting more for themselves than what they already have, no desire to see the world. People who see the world through rose colored glasses, with blinders on, who live a pre-prescribed life that has been set before them. Who live a blissful life in a world of naivety.

I saw Blue Valentine last weekend. There was a pivotal scene in which Ryan Gosling & Michelle Williams, while trying to have a weekend getaway to save their marriage, have a conversation over dinner. Michelle Williams' character asks Ryan's why, since he has such potential - he can sing, dance, play the ukelele, draw, etc. - he doesn't try to do more, to live up to that potential. His response to her is that all he wants to be is her husband and their daughter's father and why isn't that good enough? And I sat there with tears in my eyes thinking, why is she pushing him? She was right, but he was right too. Her character was in college when they met, on track to one day go to medical school until she got pregnant. Ryan's character didn't graduate high school and was working as a mover in Queens and came from a broken home. To him, to be a husband and a father, something he had never envisioned for himself - to him, that wasn't simple - that was him overachieving.

I know plenty of people in my own life who have the potential to be better, do better/be more, do more and yet, don't bother to live up to that potential. My father is an excellent example of this. I saw so much of him in Ryan Gosling's character - from the pack of Marlboro Reds to his aviator sunglasses to his dashing, full mustache to the way Ryan interacted with their daughter, Frankie; it was completely reminiscent of the interactions me and my father had when I was that age. (Especially the way Frankie favors her father over the cold, distance mother character that is Michelle Williams.) My father grew up poor in the Bronx, was the only male in his family to graduate from high school, he went into the Navy and sailed all over the world yet didn't get a passport until he was 45 and doesn't really want to travel overseas now; he became a husband and a father at 23 - and that's always been 100% completely satisfying for him. He has his little projects that he does around the house, his own hobbies and interests, but he has no real desire to do more than be completely content with where he is in his life right now. That works for him and I can't blame him for that. And if that makes him simple, at least he's happy doing it.

Sometimes, I think it might be easier. To not have to worry about getting a good job or paying my bills on time or finding a nice apartment in a good area that I can afford and still live comfortably. To be happy just being someone's wife and having kids and taking care of the house, doing the laundry, driving the car pool. To raise my family in the same town I grew up in and go to all the same stores, eat at all the comfortable, familiar chain restaurants and the occasional local Italian place. To take our vacations in tourist trap places while toting strollers and diaper bags and screaming toddlers who we neglect to yell at when they're clearly irritating everyone within a 5 foot radius. To not watch my weight constantly and wear sweatpants everywhere and let my roots show.  To just be a simple girl and smile.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Dear Jon...

It's been a long time, huh? Glad to see you're happy and doing well.

It's funny - I found myself thinking about you lately. Just this past Saturday night, I recalled the time you set a blanket on your lawn on a sunny Sunday afternoon and you read my fortune with tarot cards, looking up to see what each one meant from this book you had. Your spirituality was always one of your biggest passions and one of your most endearing qualities.

Remember our first date? Where we got bad Chinese food at that place on Mass Ave with the orange tables. Then picked out 2 movies at Blockbuster - Friday & Minority Report. We never did make it to Minority Report. We went to sleep in my dorm and in the dark, under the covers, I tickled you. You squirmed and then we kissed under my navy blue blanket. Our first kiss.

I think most of the reason I've thought of you lately is because I've met someone who reminds me so much of you. I see so many of your traits in him. You both are gentle and kind and well read. Sensitive. Smart. Caring. Comedic. Lovers of obscure bands/DJs and clove cigarettes. You both love animals and make funny faces and are skinny and fun to hug. You both have dimples with amazing smiles. You are both free spirited, yearning to travel, to see what the world has yet to hold. You march to the beat of your own drums and, in doing so, make the most beautiful kinds of music.

We were young and foolish at a time when it was great to be young and foolish and in love. Alas, distance always gets in the way. The physical distance between us, as well as the distance between us physically.  It makes me sad the way things ended between us, but deep down, I think we know it was the right thing. Our paths had crossed and then one day, my path shifted, but we shared some great times along the way.

I remember the last time I saw you. October, 2005. Club Shampoo in Philadelphia. You came up to me and gave me a hug, stepped back, holding me at arms length and said, "You look great."

"Thank you.", I replied, smiling.

Those were the best kind of words we could have parted ways with.

xoxo

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Plan of Study

I wish you could make your own major in college. If so, I would have wanted to graduate with my Bachelor of Arts in Fabulousity. Here's what the program track would have looked like:

Freshman Year:
Glambition 101
How to Work it in a Sweats and a Hoodie
Makeup Dos and Don'ts
How to avoid The Walk of Shame
Breaking out of that awkward phase
Dancing on tabletops: pros and cons
The Wristlet: Your BFF

Sophomore Year:
Glambition 201 (Honors)
Low rise pants: dos and don'ts
Push-up bras: Your BFF
What did I do last night?/How did I get here? (Lab section)
VPL prevention 201
Cocktails 201
Heels: How high is too high?

Junior Year:
Fierce, Ferosh, Ferocity 301
How to get free drinks all night
Bisexuality 302
Independent Study: NYC Fashion Week (Spring)
Penis size: how big is TOO big?
No Panties: Slutty or Comfy?
Your Vibrator: Your BFF

Senior Year:
Independent Study: Labels and Love
Thesis: Tits or Ass - Which really matters?
Independent Study: Turning heads, Breaking Necks
Workshop: Threesomes - who's turn is it?
Thesis: Missionary or Doggy Style?
Workshop: Blowjobs - how to perfect your technique

What would YOUR dream degree consist of?

Friday, January 7, 2011

Reflection/Reinvention

I decided to log into my old Live Journal today. (I'm pretty sure no one over the age of 20 uses this thing anymore.) My last entry was from June 30, 2006. Four & 1/2 years have gone by and I pretty much could have just written that last post word for word today. Not too much has changed except the passing of time:

.........

and while im not sure yet what i want to do with my future, i think part of me is just struggling to hold on to the past. i walked by a bunch of little kids today and thought to myself, oh to be young again. to not have any problems - no bills, no boyfriends, no stress, no aggravation, no job, no one constantly asking you "So what are you gonna do now?", no one nagging you to save your money, pay your bills, your student loans, this, that, do the dishes, pay the rent...

i cant take it. once school is done, im saving up a bit of money and just getting away for a while. i really need it. ive seriously burned myself out physically, mentally, and emotionally in the past five years...

i really wanna go to japan for a little while. maybe wander around ala scarlett johannson in Lost in Translation... Let myself get lost in a city of rushing people whose language I don't speak. Maybe then no one will be asking me any questions...

i admire my friends who pick up and move around at whim. they're ability to adapt, to change, to accept change... and i want so badly to do that. i want so badly for that to one day be able to be me. to say "hmm, im getting tired of living here - im gonna go there and start over". id love that kind of freedom, but im so so scared.

everyday is getting to be a struggle sometimes. the past six months i was so overwhelmed i thought my head would explode. now, its only slightly overinflated. ive just been working, schooling, everyone else is gone, ive been cut off from all my friends and my passions and it has been driving me seriously insane. ive cried pretty much almost everyday or every other day just because i feel so alone sometimes. i go to sleep at night, i plan out my week in my head: work 11-5:30, home, sleep, start over. work 5:30-12:00, home sleep, start over, school 9:00-12:30, 1:00-4:30, work 5:30-12:00, lather rinse repeat.

my writing has been slacking as well. im not nearly as eloquent as id like to believe i used to be. if that's what i want to do with my life, im starting to think im fucked. but maybe its somewhere in there. its just not ready to come out yet. its like ive had writers block for 5 years... no thats not entirely true. i did do a little writing 2 years ago. yeah, so then only 2 years of writers block. the rest, emptiness.

and its like, sometimes i cant decide if its the drugs or if its the post traumatic stress/post 9/11 thats caused this change. i never used to be so cognizant of certain things - at least not to extremes like now... my social anxiety disorder creeping back slowly, slowly... i dont want the medication. i just want to be normal. i just need someone who i can have close by all the time, who will listen - and really listen, and care. i know theres a few of you out there, but damned, cant i just keep you in my pocket?

alright, its late, im done rambling. i hope i got you up to speed.

xoxo
.........

Isn't it weird to look back sometimes on that person you once were? As much as you want to think you've changed, are changing, can change - you can never completely shed your past. There's always going to be a part of you that still falls into those same patterns and habits.

Reading further posts about the tumultuous "courtship" between me and my ex (dating, falling  for him, not being completely in a relationship and wanting more, afraid to tell him how I feel), I can relate all those same feelings even right now to my situation with Emmett. Sitting around contemplating how he feels, afraid to ask, afraid to tell him,  crying, fretting, worrying, waiting, wishing, hoping...

.....
maybe i shouldn't be too quick to rush this. something deep down inside keeps telling me this is meant to be... take it slow... let him figure out what it is he wants. it's just so hard for me to hold back the feelings. i mean, im not good at expressing them to begin with really, esp. when it comes to him, but everytime those blue brown eyes look into mine, i just wanna tell him i love you
 ........
what if hes just using me? that im just some plain ugly stupid girl who he knows likes him and so he takes advantage of that, mistaking my kindness for weakness, and walks all over me? hes probably got all these other girls that i dont even know about that are way prettier and skinnier and cuter and stuff than me and what does he want to hang out with this nerdy fat ugly girl with a big nose and a fat ass for?
........
i know theres nothing i can say or do to make him stay, but i want to at least let him know how i feel... find out if he feels the same, felt the same? would feel the same?... if things would have worked if he were staying...
.........

It's like history is repeating itself - and maybe that's why I'm so terrified to just let myself go in this situation. I know that Emmett is nothing like the POS person that attached himself to my life and sucked all the fun and beauty and happiness and independence out. I just spent five amazing wonderful days with him and know well enough that he's leaps and bounds above that asshole mentally, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, intellectually. I just don't know how to separate him from these feelings of fear, these severe trust and abandonment issues, the lack of self worth that are attached to personal relationships that I have had recently.

It's a new decade. It's been 10 years since I graduated High School. It's time for me to really start living my life the way it was meant to be lived. I want 2011 to be everything that I wanted my grown-up life to be when I was 17 years old. I want to start my career and have my own cute apartment and trendy clothes and fashionable friends. To feel free and powerful and beautiful and happy and in love. I don't want the record to keep playing on and on. I want to rip the Band-Aid off and stand up for myself and conquer these insecurities once and for all. I want that to be my resolution this year.

So, I'm going to do it. I'm going to tell him how I feel. No matter how hard it is to get the words out, to fight the lump in my throat, to feel the fear and dread of rejection in the pit of my stomach - I'm going to do it. I can't live in fear for another 10 years. I can't spend the rest of my life worrying about the "What ifs" or being afraid that people are going to say "No" to me or get mad when I ask them simple things.  (Thanks for that special kind of fear, Mom.) And then I am going to apply that to the rest of my life. I am going to hold my head up high and ask and demand and fight my way to get where I want to be - and instead of cowering in fear, I am going to politely respond "Thank you for your time" and walk away with my head still high.... And on to the next one.

A New Me: That is my New Year's Resolution.