I don't even know what I'm doing with my life. I don't know what I want to do. I'm afraid that I'm doing it all wrong. That everything I do is terrible and I'm going to wind up miserable and shitty and pissed off because I'm not good at anything. I got this internship to write for a food blog-paper thing, and I thought I was a good writer but apparently I'm bad at this or just don't know what to do with vague criticism and no direction (this is why I was not a journalism major).
And I hate being here & hate my job, but I have the potential to move to NY and do a higher level of my job and possibly either hate it more or hate it slightly less since I'd be living in a city that I love and making more money to dull the pain.
But I've also possibly got the opportunity to take a similar job for less then I make now (possibly a lot less) in Singapore. Which would be a great and fun experience and when would I ever get to do that again - provided I get this job and pull enough money out of my ass to move to and live in Singapore?
Singapore would be fun & I could travel and have all kinds of experiences and see the world and do things I never imagined and then maybe write about it - or at the very least start a blog about it. And it could open up the door to so many different opportunities & possibilities in the future.
While NY is my eventual "end game" plan, and it's sitting within reach now, do I want to subject myself to the same bullshit, different geography? Or do I take major risk and move halfway around the world with barely any money into something that I might even like or be able to afford to do?
At least the trying to live in Japan thing offered some sense of security, some sense of camaraderie with other people on similar positions; but I don't know anyone in Singapore.
I just don't want to sit around and look back on this whole scenario and wonder if I made a mistake like I already do when I think about moving to Philadelphia. And I don't want to think I missed a chance to do something amazing because I was held back by fear or money. I also don't want money & location to be my motivating factor behind my decision.
...so what do I do? What should I do?
Maybe I should just turn them both down and keep waiting for something better to come along. Maybe just because this is here doesn't mean it's right.
Showing posts with label afraid. Show all posts
Showing posts with label afraid. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Thursday, August 11, 2011
HELP!
When I was little, I never wanted to ask for help. "I know!" and "I can do it!" were my two favorite phrases. Asking for help was showing weakness - you weren't smart enough if you asked for help on your homework; you weren't strong enough if you asked for help with something stuck or heavy. "Can't" wasn't in my vocabulary. I figured out how to be independent early on, do everything for myself, my way. I did things on my own, I never asked for help. I was too ashamed. Even when I should have been asking for help. I thought I knew it all.
When I was in 8th grade, I was in the pre-algebra class. I felt so smart - being there with all the other smart kids and my crush. I wanted to impress him, to do well. But class was hard and him being there distracted me. I would zone out in class. I wouldn't go to extra help.. I didn't like my teacher and was afraid of being made fun of for needing help. My parents weren't good at math so I couldn't ask them. And then, eventually, I go tmoved to a lower math class because I got a "D" in the first marking period; my first "D" ever. All because I wouldn't ask for help.That probably should have made me feel more ashamed. But at least I wasn't struggling anymore. I didn't need anyone's help. I am an only child. I don't have many friends. And I can do it myself. I can do it all... or so I thought.
When I was 21, I was even more naive then when I was in 8th grade. Again, I let a guy I liked distract me and I wouldn't get help until it was too late. I let this guy take advantage of me, abuse me, manipulate me. And I was afraid to ask for help because I wouldn't seem as strong and independent as I tried to be. And then finally, one day, I couldn't hold it back any longer: I had to ask for help. To humble myself, to prove that I needed someone else, and I couldn't do it on my own anymore. And I learned a valuable lesson; sometimes, it's ok to ask for help. We are human, not superheroes. We think we are invincible and can do everything on our own. But we can't always. Sometimes, we need to ask for help.
And when I did, no one laughed. No one doubted me. But they were ashamed that I had waited so long to ask for help when they had just wanted to give it all along. They were always there to help - even though I had never asked before. So now I know that I don't have to be embarrassed or afraid, because someone will always be there to help me. All I have to do is just be brave enough to ask.
When I was in 8th grade, I was in the pre-algebra class. I felt so smart - being there with all the other smart kids and my crush. I wanted to impress him, to do well. But class was hard and him being there distracted me. I would zone out in class. I wouldn't go to extra help.. I didn't like my teacher and was afraid of being made fun of for needing help. My parents weren't good at math so I couldn't ask them. And then, eventually, I go tmoved to a lower math class because I got a "D" in the first marking period; my first "D" ever. All because I wouldn't ask for help.That probably should have made me feel more ashamed. But at least I wasn't struggling anymore. I didn't need anyone's help. I am an only child. I don't have many friends. And I can do it myself. I can do it all... or so I thought.
When I was 21, I was even more naive then when I was in 8th grade. Again, I let a guy I liked distract me and I wouldn't get help until it was too late. I let this guy take advantage of me, abuse me, manipulate me. And I was afraid to ask for help because I wouldn't seem as strong and independent as I tried to be. And then finally, one day, I couldn't hold it back any longer: I had to ask for help. To humble myself, to prove that I needed someone else, and I couldn't do it on my own anymore. And I learned a valuable lesson; sometimes, it's ok to ask for help. We are human, not superheroes. We think we are invincible and can do everything on our own. But we can't always. Sometimes, we need to ask for help.
And when I did, no one laughed. No one doubted me. But they were ashamed that I had waited so long to ask for help when they had just wanted to give it all along. They were always there to help - even though I had never asked before. So now I know that I don't have to be embarrassed or afraid, because someone will always be there to help me. All I have to do is just be brave enough to ask.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Love, Part deux.
So here's my issues with love. Based on my last post, I'm clearly able to find it. But making it last - that is something I'm still trying to master. I watch couples in real life, on tv, read about them in books, and they have these loving relationships where the love never seems to run out or fade away; and sometimes it even gets stronger. Does this happen for real? Or is it all an allusion? I have never been in love with someone for more than a year & a half tops maybe. How do you keep that spark going? Keep that love thang going?
I am afraid to try again & have it crash and burn so quickly. I want a love that will last all through the ages, hell or high water. I want someone to love me so deeply & passionately that I always know they love me and never am left to question or second guess it. And for me to always feel the same in return. Is that too much to ask? Am I really being realistic with these demands?
I guess ill never know really until I get to that place, get past the mark of worry-ment, to know that everything is ok and fine. I hope to get there one day soon though and prove myself and everyone else wrong who may have had doubts about the strength and reality of love. To show them that it can and does exist and can, in fact, last a lifetime.
I am afraid to try again & have it crash and burn so quickly. I want a love that will last all through the ages, hell or high water. I want someone to love me so deeply & passionately that I always know they love me and never am left to question or second guess it. And for me to always feel the same in return. Is that too much to ask? Am I really being realistic with these demands?
I guess ill never know really until I get to that place, get past the mark of worry-ment, to know that everything is ok and fine. I hope to get there one day soon though and prove myself and everyone else wrong who may have had doubts about the strength and reality of love. To show them that it can and does exist and can, in fact, last a lifetime.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Til Death do Us....
Commitment-phobia may seem like an urban myth to some and to others, a line that men use as the main reason that they don’t want to be in a serious relationship. According to Wikipedia, “Commitment-phobia is often most strongly apparent in romantic life. Generally, commitment-phobic people claim that they are eager to find a lasting romantic attachment and get married, yet they fail to find appropriate partners and maintain long lasting connections. Ironically, in these romantic relationships, the commitment-phobic partner craves what he/she fears most: love and connection. This paradoxical craving for a frightening reality leads to a confusing and destructive pattern of seduction and rejection. The results are emotionally devastating.” To be quite honest, I believe that this is as much a true and real phobia as being afraid of Clowns or the number 13. (Coulrophobia and Triskaidekaphobia, respectfully; I guess the closest thing in existence, according to The Phobia List [http://phobialist.com/] anyway, would be Gamophobia, or the Fear of Marriage.)
I have in recent months come to realize that I may or may not be a commitment-phobe. I really enjoy the thought of spending time with someone in a romantic relationship, but much like swimming too far out in the ocean, I feel like I will get to a point where I start flailing my arms and try to head back to shore. With several failed relationships under my belt, I think it’s only safe to say that I have a series of trust issues that therapists in years to come will have a field day with. Once I hit the 2 years mark in a relationship, things start to take a turn for the worse and I’m looking for an escape route. I’m afraid that if I find someone that really makes me happy and who I make really happy and we enjoy each others company, that once I hit that milestone, I’m going to panic and run. Which pretty much rules out marriage – and I already have an inherent fear of that.
With so many marriages going sour in the world around me, what hope is there that this archaic institution actually works and serves a valuable purpose in one’s life? And those who do remain married, how does their happiness rate now once the inevitable “newlywed period” ends? I guess that leads to the other part of the Wikipedia article, which says “The key to understanding commitment-phobia is recognizing that such behavior is rooted in fear—fear of lost options or fear of making poor decisions. The commitment-phobic mind sees decisions as permanent, opening the possibility of being caged or trapped forever with no means of escape” I suppose there are people who are happily married, who don’t cheat on their partners, who live to tell the tale so to speak, to prove that it’s possible to get that fairy tale ending. Is it healthy that I should view marriage as a form of imprisonment? Probably not, but people cheat, people lie, people fight, and people get bored. Wouldn’t you be afraid of these things too? (And not even of your partner committing any of those things, but of yourself being the one to falter.) Here you are, bound by this marriage contract, death do you part and all that jazz and you just wake up one morning ten years later and look over at that lump of flesh in bed next to you and think, “My god, what I am doing here, with them, when I could be doing XYZ-else?”
I have friends that are obsessed with marriage, which is probably a thinly-veiled obsession with having a wedding, really. (Actually, it’s probably societal norms being forced on girls from a young age that leads to this obsession with weddings – and those same norms that equate being married with the big Cinderella wedding to begin with.) What’s the big hoopla? You love a person so much you want to spend the rest of your life with them (at least that's how you feel now, anyway). Who says you need to get married to feel that way? Who says you need to spend $150 a plate on some crappy catering hall food and another couple hundred on tacky wedding favors, a local cover band, and a dress you’ll wear one day in your life in order to feel that way? Just live. Just be. My friend complained that she still didn’t have a ring on her finger; I told her what is this, 1940? You want to be married so bad, ask him. Is there a law that says he needs to ask you and that you need a ring to be married? No – City Hall just wants x amount of money for the marriage license and they’ll marry you right there on the spot. Boom! Done! You’re married! Happy now? Has anything really changed? (Except your name if you’ve decided to) No – You’re still the same two people, except you are now legally bound to each other as man and wife for the rest of your lives.
I’m not knocking marriage, so please don’t take what I’m saying the wrong way. I’m just saying it works for some people obviously, but I don’t think that I’m one of them. Is this due to my commitment-phobia? Yes, more than likely. Is marriage something you have to work at every day? This is what I hear from people. Relationships in general are work though, too. Except obviously, a relationship is more open-ended and there’s less paperwork and legal ramifications involved if you decide to end it later on down the road. Would I be a potential “Runaway Bride”? Probably, but I’d also probably be that person who, five years into a relationship where you are living together and merging itunes libraries with the other person and sharing toothbrushes, would pack a bag in the middle of the night, and leave an “I’m sorry, I can’t do this anymore” post-it on the nightstand. Honestly, I just want someone who makes me happy (and not want to strangle them) and someone who I make happy (and doesn’t cheat on me or treat me like crap) and we’re both happy making each other happy and living our lives and not worrying about anniversaries or wedding invitations or anything other than just living day to day, in the moment. (And to make it past the two year itch)
I have in recent months come to realize that I may or may not be a commitment-phobe. I really enjoy the thought of spending time with someone in a romantic relationship, but much like swimming too far out in the ocean, I feel like I will get to a point where I start flailing my arms and try to head back to shore. With several failed relationships under my belt, I think it’s only safe to say that I have a series of trust issues that therapists in years to come will have a field day with. Once I hit the 2 years mark in a relationship, things start to take a turn for the worse and I’m looking for an escape route. I’m afraid that if I find someone that really makes me happy and who I make really happy and we enjoy each others company, that once I hit that milestone, I’m going to panic and run. Which pretty much rules out marriage – and I already have an inherent fear of that.
With so many marriages going sour in the world around me, what hope is there that this archaic institution actually works and serves a valuable purpose in one’s life? And those who do remain married, how does their happiness rate now once the inevitable “newlywed period” ends? I guess that leads to the other part of the Wikipedia article, which says “The key to understanding commitment-phobia is recognizing that such behavior is rooted in fear—fear of lost options or fear of making poor decisions. The commitment-phobic mind sees decisions as permanent, opening the possibility of being caged or trapped forever with no means of escape” I suppose there are people who are happily married, who don’t cheat on their partners, who live to tell the tale so to speak, to prove that it’s possible to get that fairy tale ending. Is it healthy that I should view marriage as a form of imprisonment? Probably not, but people cheat, people lie, people fight, and people get bored. Wouldn’t you be afraid of these things too? (And not even of your partner committing any of those things, but of yourself being the one to falter.) Here you are, bound by this marriage contract, death do you part and all that jazz and you just wake up one morning ten years later and look over at that lump of flesh in bed next to you and think, “My god, what I am doing here, with them, when I could be doing XYZ-else?”
I have friends that are obsessed with marriage, which is probably a thinly-veiled obsession with having a wedding, really. (Actually, it’s probably societal norms being forced on girls from a young age that leads to this obsession with weddings – and those same norms that equate being married with the big Cinderella wedding to begin with.) What’s the big hoopla? You love a person so much you want to spend the rest of your life with them (at least that's how you feel now, anyway). Who says you need to get married to feel that way? Who says you need to spend $150 a plate on some crappy catering hall food and another couple hundred on tacky wedding favors, a local cover band, and a dress you’ll wear one day in your life in order to feel that way? Just live. Just be. My friend complained that she still didn’t have a ring on her finger; I told her what is this, 1940? You want to be married so bad, ask him. Is there a law that says he needs to ask you and that you need a ring to be married? No – City Hall just wants x amount of money for the marriage license and they’ll marry you right there on the spot. Boom! Done! You’re married! Happy now? Has anything really changed? (Except your name if you’ve decided to) No – You’re still the same two people, except you are now legally bound to each other as man and wife for the rest of your lives.
I’m not knocking marriage, so please don’t take what I’m saying the wrong way. I’m just saying it works for some people obviously, but I don’t think that I’m one of them. Is this due to my commitment-phobia? Yes, more than likely. Is marriage something you have to work at every day? This is what I hear from people. Relationships in general are work though, too. Except obviously, a relationship is more open-ended and there’s less paperwork and legal ramifications involved if you decide to end it later on down the road. Would I be a potential “Runaway Bride”? Probably, but I’d also probably be that person who, five years into a relationship where you are living together and merging itunes libraries with the other person and sharing toothbrushes, would pack a bag in the middle of the night, and leave an “I’m sorry, I can’t do this anymore” post-it on the nightstand. Honestly, I just want someone who makes me happy (and not want to strangle them) and someone who I make happy (and doesn’t cheat on me or treat me like crap) and we’re both happy making each other happy and living our lives and not worrying about anniversaries or wedding invitations or anything other than just living day to day, in the moment. (And to make it past the two year itch)
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