Tadaima is a Japanese phrase meaning "I'm back", "I've returned" or "I'm home". One year ago today, I found myself stepping off a plane once again at Narita Airport, ready to embark on a whirlwind, three week adventure in which I saw incredible things, met amazing people and made some of the best memories of my entire life.
I wish that reflecting on this day could be a little more upbeat. With great sadness, almost three weeks ago, the world witnessed the massive earthquake and tsunami that devastated parts of northern Japan. I had been reluctant to talk about it until now because there were just so many emotions running through me: Fear that worse disasters could occur as the instability at the Fukushima Dai-Ichi power plant held the attention of the international media outlets, keeping watchers on edge that another Chernobyl might be occurring in the wake of two natural disasters. Sadness for the Japanese people, who I had come to know the warmth and kindness of, as they watched their homes and lives become destroyed in minutes, their families and friends lost in the wreckage, the outcome of their futures suddenly uncertain.Worry for my friends within reach of the earthquake zone and the potential field of radiation that could spread in the event of a nuclear meltdown, who still are dealing with daily aftershocks, food shortages, rolling blackouts and minimal panic. (I still am finding it hard to truly put all my thoughts and feelings on everything into words, so please forgive me.)
Many of my relatives who know how strong my love for Japan is sent me messages of concern: asking if any of my friends in Japan are ok, telling me that they are glad that I was not there this year and wondering, do I still want to go to Japan? The answer to that question is yes. In fact, I want to go to Japan more than ever before. (And furthermore, on my first visit to Japan, there was both an earthquake which I could feel small aftershocks from in Tokyo - a completely foreign experience for someone raised on the east coast - and a typhoon.) Watching the events play out and seeing the scenes of both despair and hope, tales of heroism and sadness; I just wanted to grow myself to giant size, walk across the globe, and scoop the entire island of Japan up into my arms and keep everyone safe from further harm.I wanted to instantly be there helping the victims, giving them food and water and warmth and shelter and hope, helping them rebuild their homes and villages, buildings, roads and highways, helping restore the beauty of the Japan that I have come to know and love.
The disaster in Japan was just as emotional for me as September 11th had been almost 10 years before. And both events have strengthened my love for both places (Japan and NYC) which I hold intimately dear in my heart. I remember on September 11th refusing to go to bed, refusing to turn the TV off until they showed footage of the first plane hitting the Twin Towers. In the same way, post-earthquake & tsunami, I clung to Twitter alerts, Huffington Post updates, CNN news (and not just because Anderson Cooper and Sanjay Gupta are so damn handsome). It's interesting to think how much technology had changed since then. Can you imagine if September 11th had occurred in the time of Facebook and Twitter and the 24 hour news medium? If someone had tweeted that a plane had struck the WTC? If people had posted status updates that they were ok and safely out of the buildings? YouTube'd videos of the buildings collapsing within minutes? Luckily with these technological advancements, when I woke up at 5 AM on the morning of Friday, March 11th and saw a Huffington Post alert on my iPhone that a 8.9 magnitude Earthquake had struck Japan, I was able to go on Facebook and see that all my friends had updated their statuses to say that they were safe & check my Twitter feed to see that there had also been a massive tsunami following the quake - with retweets from friends relaying news from various other bloggers and media.
So, today I will take this time to reflect on those great times that I had only 365 days ago and know that soon enough, I will be able to say Tadaima once again to a newly rebuilt Japan, a Japan that will only grow stronger and more beautiful from this tragedy, and make many, many more memories.And Japan will reach out to me with open arms, hold me close and say Okaeri! (お帰りなさい)
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
100 Recipes Every Woman Should Know
I never claim to be the greatest cook in the world. Most nights, my dinner consists of frozen burritos, bowls of cereal, scrambled eggs, peanut butter sandwiches, etc. Simple, easy stuff because I'm just too damn lazy to cook anything. I am all about finding the easiest, fastest ways to get myself fed because when you're hungry, you don't want to worry about prep time and all that nonsense. One of my best investments was a slow cooker because you can just leave that thing on while you go to work and BOOM! come home and you're ready to go! (I have successfully mastered BBQ ribs and pulled pork thanks to that thing, as well as some delicious & juicy chicken thighs.)
One day, the kitchen angels from above heard my prayers and frustrations. (Ok, actually, it was the wonderful people at GLAMOUR magazine.) They wanted me to eat something better than chocolate covered pretzels and call it a meal. They sent me this great cookbook "100 Recipes Every Woman Should Know" and ever since, my outlook on dinner time has completely changed! No longer am I afraid of my stove or of doing dishes.I am only afraid of being able to decide on which great recipe to try next!
This wonderful cookbook was spawned on a time-treasured, epic recipe that was handed down the ranks of the GLAMOUR staff simply known as "Engagement Chicken". Rumor had it that if you made this delicious, roasted chicken for your boyfriend, he would propose not long after. There's even a list in the book of at least 60 success stories in which the engagement chicken recipe led to a proposal and marriage!
But even if you're single or not interested in marriage (or dating a vegetarian - don't worry, there's a section for meat free meals too, ladies), "100 Recipes Every Woman Should Know" has plenty of other delicious recipes in this book to help your feel fabulous and boost your chef-esteem! From simple snacks like the Get Skinny Dip and hearty homemade treats like Prove to Mom You're Not Going to Starve Meat Loaf, to the full-on Easy and Elegant Dinner Party extravaganza, you'll be starring on your own Food Network show in no time! There's even a section on Cheap & Easy Meals so you don't have to break the bank or live on ramen noodles any longer. (Which means more money for shoes!)
..........
100 Recipes Every Woman Should Know: Engagement Chicken and 99 Other Fabulous Dishes to Get You Everything You Want in Life, by Cindi Leive and the Editors of GLAMOUR is available in stores April 5th. You can pre-order on Amazon.com through the links above.
Follow GLAMOUR on Twitter:
Twitter.com/glamr100recipes
Twitter.com/glamourdotcom
One day, the kitchen angels from above heard my prayers and frustrations. (Ok, actually, it was the wonderful people at GLAMOUR magazine.) They wanted me to eat something better than chocolate covered pretzels and call it a meal. They sent me this great cookbook "100 Recipes Every Woman Should Know" and ever since, my outlook on dinner time has completely changed! No longer am I afraid of my stove or of doing dishes.I am only afraid of being able to decide on which great recipe to try next!
This wonderful cookbook was spawned on a time-treasured, epic recipe that was handed down the ranks of the GLAMOUR staff simply known as "Engagement Chicken". Rumor had it that if you made this delicious, roasted chicken for your boyfriend, he would propose not long after. There's even a list in the book of at least 60 success stories in which the engagement chicken recipe led to a proposal and marriage!
But even if you're single or not interested in marriage (or dating a vegetarian - don't worry, there's a section for meat free meals too, ladies), "100 Recipes Every Woman Should Know" has plenty of other delicious recipes in this book to help your feel fabulous and boost your chef-esteem! From simple snacks like the Get Skinny Dip and hearty homemade treats like Prove to Mom You're Not Going to Starve Meat Loaf, to the full-on Easy and Elegant Dinner Party extravaganza, you'll be starring on your own Food Network show in no time! There's even a section on Cheap & Easy Meals so you don't have to break the bank or live on ramen noodles any longer. (Which means more money for shoes!)
..........
100 Recipes Every Woman Should Know: Engagement Chicken and 99 Other Fabulous Dishes to Get You Everything You Want in Life, by Cindi Leive and the Editors of GLAMOUR is available in stores April 5th. You can pre-order on Amazon.com through the links above.
Follow GLAMOUR on Twitter:
Twitter.com/glamr100recipes
Twitter.com/glamourdotcom
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Guest Post: I Love Fukushima
Hey all, I know I haven't updated in a while, but I wanted to share something special and really important from a friend of mine, Doug, whose life has been deeply impacted by the disaster that is going on in Japan right now. Please take a moment to read his message and pass it along to anyone else that you know. If you haven't already donated to the Red Cross or another generous organization dedicated to helping those suffering from the Earthquake & Tsunami in Japan, please consider making a donation to the New Orleans Japan Quake Fund.
Thanks xoxo
...................
Japan's Impact on My Life and New Orleans and a Plea for Your Help by Doug Tassin
I'm sure everyone is aware of the current situation in Japan regarding the earthquakes, tsunamis, and the horrifying events taking place at the Fukushima Nuclear Plants. Last night, the radiation radius around Fukushima Daini Plant was expanded another 10km, moving it into Iwaki City. Hopefully, the cores can be cooled and contained, and any meltdown at any plant in Japan is prevented. All the events that have decimated the Tohoku region of Japan since Thursday have really taken their toll on me, but the fact that this radiation "bubble" has expanded into Iwaki has me really sad.
Iwaki, like all of Fukushima, is a wonderful place. It is home to beautiful beaches, fantastic hiking trails, wonderful and caring people, and some of the best food I've ever eaten. It's a place that I hold near and dear to my heart. Iwaki houses 3 years worth of memories that I will never forget. It is my second home and a place where many people who I consider family still live. Every night and day I pray for their safety and hope that some kind of relief can come to them (and all of those affected by this disaster).
In fact, this is very similar to how I felt after Hurricane Katrina. About 2 weeks after Katrina devastated the Gulf Coast, I moved to Tokyo, Japan to study at Sophia University, at that point fulfilling my lifelong dream of going to and studying in Japan. However, it was a bittersweet fulfillment. I had left all of my family and friends behind to battle the destruction that Katrina had left in her wake. I felt horrible about leaving and even told my dad I didn't even know if I could go. But he told me, "Go. This is your dream. It could be your only chance. We'll be okay." But not a day passed while I was in Japan where I didn't think about the troubles and struggles my friends and family were going through.
But then one day on the news in Japan, I heard that Japan had sent military assistance and relief to Katrina-affected areas. In a recent editorial in the Times Picayune (http://www.nola.com/opinions/index.ssf/2011/03/time_to_repay_japan.html), a writer commented on what the Japanese provided New Orleans:
After Katrina, the Japanese government offered material and monetary assistance that surpassed $1 million and that included tents, blankets, power generators and portable water tanks. Japan also provided $200,000 to the American Red Cross to aid hurricane victims. In addition, Takashi Endo, a private businessman in Japan, donated $1 million from his personal funds to Katrina relief efforts. I don't know if you have already donated to a cause but if you haven't, please consider this one.At the end of the article, they also note ways to give relief and pay Japan back for its past generosity. However, there is one more way.
The New Orleans Japan Quake Fund is currently in the process of being established. It is being formed by a coalition of New Orleans-based, Japan-related groups: Japan Club of New Orleans, Japan Society of New Orleans, jetaaNOLA (JET Program Alumni Association, New Orleans Chapter), and Japanese Garden Society. With the full support of Honorary Consul General of Japan Donna Fraiche and hopefully the endorsement of the govenor of Louisiana and mayor of New Orleans, we are creating this fund as a means for all of New Orleans to repay the generosity and care that Japan showed us in our time of need. This donor administered fund will be created through the Greater New Orleans Foundation (GNOF), and we plan to raise money in the fund and give it directly to an organization in Japan. GNOF has a long history of successfully administering funds, and we will still be able to direct where the money goes. As mentioned, it is still being set up and should be available VERY soon, but in the meantime, feel free to sign up for the New Orleans Japan Quake Fund mailing list at http://www.japanclubofneworleans.org/donations. You will receive updates, news, and information about the fund and future fundraising activities. Also feel free to contact me if you are interested in making donations: doug.tassin@gmail.com.
My total four years in Japan were the greatest time in my life, and I will never ever forget that. I am forever indebted to Japan, and my love for the country runs deeper than I had ever realized. Especially now, after Japan has experienced the worst natural disaster it has ever experience in its documented history and one similar to (but much worse than) one experienced in New Orleans, I want to give back to the country that has given me so much. New Orleans, Louisiana, America, World. Are you ready to help Japan recover? I sure as hell am.
One last request: Could you please share this note with your other Facebook friends and pass along the link for the New Orleans Japan Quake Fund? I would greatly appreciate it... Thank you from the bottom of my heart!!
Friday, January 28, 2011
Simple Kind of Life
I've been doing a lot of analyzing of my life recently as far as what I want for myself and what I want for the future. There are just so many options, so many alternatives, that sometimes, I wish I was just a simple girl.
"I think your either born simple or you're not. I want to be the person who gets happy over finding the perfect dress. I want to be simple because no one holds a gun to the head of a simple girl." - Dr. Christina Yang, Grey's Anatomy
I know it's kind of immature or un-PC to think of people as being "simple", but there really is a difference when it comes to the way people choose to live their lives. There are the over achievers, the perfectionists, the want to get ahead-ers, the need to control situations, be the best, be the most successful - and then, there are simple people; people perfectly content with where they are in life. With never climbing any higher up the ladder, never leaving the towns they grew up in, no interest in furthering their careers or wanting more for themselves than what they already have, no desire to see the world. People who see the world through rose colored glasses, with blinders on, who live a pre-prescribed life that has been set before them. Who live a blissful life in a world of naivety.
I saw Blue Valentine last weekend. There was a pivotal scene in which Ryan Gosling & Michelle Williams, while trying to have a weekend getaway to save their marriage, have a conversation over dinner. Michelle Williams' character asks Ryan's why, since he has such potential - he can sing, dance, play the ukelele, draw, etc. - he doesn't try to do more, to live up to that potential. His response to her is that all he wants to be is her husband and their daughter's father and why isn't that good enough? And I sat there with tears in my eyes thinking, why is she pushing him? She was right, but he was right too. Her character was in college when they met, on track to one day go to medical school until she got pregnant. Ryan's character didn't graduate high school and was working as a mover in Queens and came from a broken home. To him, to be a husband and a father, something he had never envisioned for himself - to him, that wasn't simple - that was him overachieving.
I know plenty of people in my own life who have the potential to be better, do better/be more, do more and yet, don't bother to live up to that potential. My father is an excellent example of this. I saw so much of him in Ryan Gosling's character - from the pack of Marlboro Reds to his aviator sunglasses to his dashing, full mustache to the way Ryan interacted with their daughter, Frankie; it was completely reminiscent of the interactions me and my father had when I was that age. (Especially the way Frankie favors her father over the cold, distance mother character that is Michelle Williams.) My father grew up poor in the Bronx, was the only male in his family to graduate from high school, he went into the Navy and sailed all over the world yet didn't get a passport until he was 45 and doesn't really want to travel overseas now; he became a husband and a father at 23 - and that's always been 100% completely satisfying for him. He has his little projects that he does around the house, his own hobbies and interests, but he has no real desire to do more than be completely content with where he is in his life right now. That works for him and I can't blame him for that. And if that makes him simple, at least he's happy doing it.
Sometimes, I think it might be easier. To not have to worry about getting a good job or paying my bills on time or finding a nice apartment in a good area that I can afford and still live comfortably. To be happy just being someone's wife and having kids and taking care of the house, doing the laundry, driving the car pool. To raise my family in the same town I grew up in and go to all the same stores, eat at all the comfortable, familiar chain restaurants and the occasional local Italian place. To take our vacations in tourist trap places while toting strollers and diaper bags and screaming toddlers who we neglect to yell at when they're clearly irritating everyone within a 5 foot radius. To not watch my weight constantly and wear sweatpants everywhere and let my roots show. To just be a simple girl and smile.
"I think your either born simple or you're not. I want to be the person who gets happy over finding the perfect dress. I want to be simple because no one holds a gun to the head of a simple girl." - Dr. Christina Yang, Grey's Anatomy
I know it's kind of immature or un-PC to think of people as being "simple", but there really is a difference when it comes to the way people choose to live their lives. There are the over achievers, the perfectionists, the want to get ahead-ers, the need to control situations, be the best, be the most successful - and then, there are simple people; people perfectly content with where they are in life. With never climbing any higher up the ladder, never leaving the towns they grew up in, no interest in furthering their careers or wanting more for themselves than what they already have, no desire to see the world. People who see the world through rose colored glasses, with blinders on, who live a pre-prescribed life that has been set before them. Who live a blissful life in a world of naivety.
I saw Blue Valentine last weekend. There was a pivotal scene in which Ryan Gosling & Michelle Williams, while trying to have a weekend getaway to save their marriage, have a conversation over dinner. Michelle Williams' character asks Ryan's why, since he has such potential - he can sing, dance, play the ukelele, draw, etc. - he doesn't try to do more, to live up to that potential. His response to her is that all he wants to be is her husband and their daughter's father and why isn't that good enough? And I sat there with tears in my eyes thinking, why is she pushing him? She was right, but he was right too. Her character was in college when they met, on track to one day go to medical school until she got pregnant. Ryan's character didn't graduate high school and was working as a mover in Queens and came from a broken home. To him, to be a husband and a father, something he had never envisioned for himself - to him, that wasn't simple - that was him overachieving.
I know plenty of people in my own life who have the potential to be better, do better/be more, do more and yet, don't bother to live up to that potential. My father is an excellent example of this. I saw so much of him in Ryan Gosling's character - from the pack of Marlboro Reds to his aviator sunglasses to his dashing, full mustache to the way Ryan interacted with their daughter, Frankie; it was completely reminiscent of the interactions me and my father had when I was that age. (Especially the way Frankie favors her father over the cold, distance mother character that is Michelle Williams.) My father grew up poor in the Bronx, was the only male in his family to graduate from high school, he went into the Navy and sailed all over the world yet didn't get a passport until he was 45 and doesn't really want to travel overseas now; he became a husband and a father at 23 - and that's always been 100% completely satisfying for him. He has his little projects that he does around the house, his own hobbies and interests, but he has no real desire to do more than be completely content with where he is in his life right now. That works for him and I can't blame him for that. And if that makes him simple, at least he's happy doing it.
Sometimes, I think it might be easier. To not have to worry about getting a good job or paying my bills on time or finding a nice apartment in a good area that I can afford and still live comfortably. To be happy just being someone's wife and having kids and taking care of the house, doing the laundry, driving the car pool. To raise my family in the same town I grew up in and go to all the same stores, eat at all the comfortable, familiar chain restaurants and the occasional local Italian place. To take our vacations in tourist trap places while toting strollers and diaper bags and screaming toddlers who we neglect to yell at when they're clearly irritating everyone within a 5 foot radius. To not watch my weight constantly and wear sweatpants everywhere and let my roots show. To just be a simple girl and smile.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Dear Jon...
It's been a long time, huh? Glad to see you're happy and doing well.
It's funny - I found myself thinking about you lately. Just this past Saturday night, I recalled the time you set a blanket on your lawn on a sunny Sunday afternoon and you read my fortune with tarot cards, looking up to see what each one meant from this book you had. Your spirituality was always one of your biggest passions and one of your most endearing qualities.
Remember our first date? Where we got bad Chinese food at that place on Mass Ave with the orange tables. Then picked out 2 movies at Blockbuster - Friday & Minority Report. We never did make it to Minority Report. We went to sleep in my dorm and in the dark, under the covers, I tickled you. You squirmed and then we kissed under my navy blue blanket. Our first kiss.
I think most of the reason I've thought of you lately is because I've met someone who reminds me so much of you. I see so many of your traits in him. You both are gentle and kind and well read. Sensitive. Smart. Caring. Comedic. Lovers of obscure bands/DJs and clove cigarettes. You both love animals and make funny faces and are skinny and fun to hug. You both have dimples with amazing smiles. You are both free spirited, yearning to travel, to see what the world has yet to hold. You march to the beat of your own drums and, in doing so, make the most beautiful kinds of music.
We were young and foolish at a time when it was great to be young and foolish and in love. Alas, distance always gets in the way. The physical distance between us, as well as the distance between us physically. It makes me sad the way things ended between us, but deep down, I think we know it was the right thing. Our paths had crossed and then one day, my path shifted, but we shared some great times along the way.
I remember the last time I saw you. October, 2005. Club Shampoo in Philadelphia. You came up to me and gave me a hug, stepped back, holding me at arms length and said, "You look great."
"Thank you.", I replied, smiling.
Those were the best kind of words we could have parted ways with.
xoxo
It's funny - I found myself thinking about you lately. Just this past Saturday night, I recalled the time you set a blanket on your lawn on a sunny Sunday afternoon and you read my fortune with tarot cards, looking up to see what each one meant from this book you had. Your spirituality was always one of your biggest passions and one of your most endearing qualities.
Remember our first date? Where we got bad Chinese food at that place on Mass Ave with the orange tables. Then picked out 2 movies at Blockbuster - Friday & Minority Report. We never did make it to Minority Report. We went to sleep in my dorm and in the dark, under the covers, I tickled you. You squirmed and then we kissed under my navy blue blanket. Our first kiss.
I think most of the reason I've thought of you lately is because I've met someone who reminds me so much of you. I see so many of your traits in him. You both are gentle and kind and well read. Sensitive. Smart. Caring. Comedic. Lovers of obscure bands/DJs and clove cigarettes. You both love animals and make funny faces and are skinny and fun to hug. You both have dimples with amazing smiles. You are both free spirited, yearning to travel, to see what the world has yet to hold. You march to the beat of your own drums and, in doing so, make the most beautiful kinds of music.
We were young and foolish at a time when it was great to be young and foolish and in love. Alas, distance always gets in the way. The physical distance between us, as well as the distance between us physically. It makes me sad the way things ended between us, but deep down, I think we know it was the right thing. Our paths had crossed and then one day, my path shifted, but we shared some great times along the way.
I remember the last time I saw you. October, 2005. Club Shampoo in Philadelphia. You came up to me and gave me a hug, stepped back, holding me at arms length and said, "You look great."
"Thank you.", I replied, smiling.
Those were the best kind of words we could have parted ways with.
xoxo
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Friday, January 7, 2011
Reflection/Reinvention
I decided to log into my old Live Journal today. (I'm pretty sure no one over the age of 20 uses this thing anymore.) My last entry was from June 30, 2006. Four & 1/2 years have gone by and I pretty much could have just written that last post word for word today. Not too much has changed except the passing of time:
.........
and while im not sure yet what i want to do with my future, i think part of me is just struggling to hold on to the past. i walked by a bunch of little kids today and thought to myself, oh to be young again. to not have any problems - no bills, no boyfriends, no stress, no aggravation, no job, no one constantly asking you "So what are you gonna do now?", no one nagging you to save your money, pay your bills, your student loans, this, that, do the dishes, pay the rent...
i cant take it. once school is done, im saving up a bit of money and just getting away for a while. i really need it. ive seriously burned myself out physically, mentally, and emotionally in the past five years...
i really wanna go to japan for a little while. maybe wander around ala scarlett johannson in Lost in Translation... Let myself get lost in a city of rushing people whose language I don't speak. Maybe then no one will be asking me any questions...
i admire my friends who pick up and move around at whim. they're ability to adapt, to change, to accept change... and i want so badly to do that. i want so badly for that to one day be able to be me. to say "hmm, im getting tired of living here - im gonna go there and start over". id love that kind of freedom, but im so so scared.
everyday is getting to be a struggle sometimes. the past six months i was so overwhelmed i thought my head would explode. now, its only slightly overinflated. ive just been working, schooling, everyone else is gone, ive been cut off from all my friends and my passions and it has been driving me seriously insane. ive cried pretty much almost everyday or every other day just because i feel so alone sometimes. i go to sleep at night, i plan out my week in my head: work 11-5:30, home, sleep, start over. work 5:30-12:00, home sleep, start over, school 9:00-12:30, 1:00-4:30, work 5:30-12:00, lather rinse repeat.
my writing has been slacking as well. im not nearly as eloquent as id like to believe i used to be. if that's what i want to do with my life, im starting to think im fucked. but maybe its somewhere in there. its just not ready to come out yet. its like ive had writers block for 5 years... no thats not entirely true. i did do a little writing 2 years ago. yeah, so then only 2 years of writers block. the rest, emptiness.
and its like, sometimes i cant decide if its the drugs or if its the post traumatic stress/post 9/11 thats caused this change. i never used to be so cognizant of certain things - at least not to extremes like now... my social anxiety disorder creeping back slowly, slowly... i dont want the medication. i just want to be normal. i just need someone who i can have close by all the time, who will listen - and really listen, and care. i know theres a few of you out there, but damned, cant i just keep you in my pocket?
alright, its late, im done rambling. i hope i got you up to speed.
xoxo
.........
Isn't it weird to look back sometimes on that person you once were? As much as you want to think you've changed, are changing, can change - you can never completely shed your past. There's always going to be a part of you that still falls into those same patterns and habits.
Reading further posts about the tumultuous "courtship" between me and my ex (dating, falling for him, not being completely in a relationship and wanting more, afraid to tell him how I feel), I can relate all those same feelings even right now to my situation with Emmett. Sitting around contemplating how he feels, afraid to ask, afraid to tell him, crying, fretting, worrying, waiting, wishing, hoping...
.....
maybe i shouldn't be too quick to rush this. something deep down inside keeps telling me this is meant to be... take it slow... let him figure out what it is he wants. it's just so hard for me to hold back the feelings. i mean, im not good at expressing them to begin with really, esp. when it comes to him, but everytime thoseblue brown eyes look into mine, i just wanna tell him i love you.
........
what if hes just using me? that im just some plain ugly stupid girl who he knows likes him and so he takes advantage of that, mistaking my kindness for weakness, and walks all over me? hes probably got all these other girls that i dont even know about that are way prettier and skinnier and cuter and stuff than me and what does he want to hang out with this nerdy fat ugly girl with a big nose and a fat ass for?
........
i know theres nothing i can say or do to make him stay, but i want to at least let him know how i feel... find out if he feels the same, felt the same? would feel the same?... if things would have worked if he were staying...
.........
It's like history is repeating itself - and maybe that's why I'm so terrified to just let myself go in this situation. I know that Emmett is nothing like the POS person that attached himself to my life and sucked all the fun and beauty and happiness and independence out. I just spent five amazing wonderful days with him and know well enough that he's leaps and bounds above that asshole mentally, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, intellectually. I just don't know how to separate him from these feelings of fear, these severe trust and abandonment issues, the lack of self worth that are attached to personal relationships that I have had recently.
It's a new decade. It's been 10 years since I graduated High School. It's time for me to really start living my life the way it was meant to be lived. I want 2011 to be everything that I wanted my grown-up life to be when I was 17 years old. I want to start my career and have my own cute apartment and trendy clothes and fashionable friends. To feel free and powerful and beautiful and happy and in love. I don't want the record to keep playing on and on. I want to rip the Band-Aid off and stand up for myself and conquer these insecurities once and for all. I want that to be my resolution this year.
So, I'm going to do it. I'm going to tell him how I feel. No matter how hard it is to get the words out, to fight the lump in my throat, to feel the fear and dread of rejection in the pit of my stomach - I'm going to do it. I can't live in fear for another 10 years. I can't spend the rest of my life worrying about the "What ifs" or being afraid that people are going to say "No" to me or get mad when I ask them simple things. (Thanks for that special kind of fear, Mom.) And then I am going to apply that to the rest of my life. I am going to hold my head up high and ask and demand and fight my way to get where I want to be - and instead of cowering in fear, I am going to politely respond "Thank you for your time" and walk away with my head still high.... And on to the next one.
A New Me: That is my New Year's Resolution.
.........
and while im not sure yet what i want to do with my future, i think part of me is just struggling to hold on to the past. i walked by a bunch of little kids today and thought to myself, oh to be young again. to not have any problems - no bills, no boyfriends, no stress, no aggravation, no job, no one constantly asking you "So what are you gonna do now?", no one nagging you to save your money, pay your bills, your student loans, this, that, do the dishes, pay the rent...
i cant take it. once school is done, im saving up a bit of money and just getting away for a while. i really need it. ive seriously burned myself out physically, mentally, and emotionally in the past five years...
i really wanna go to japan for a little while. maybe wander around ala scarlett johannson in Lost in Translation... Let myself get lost in a city of rushing people whose language I don't speak. Maybe then no one will be asking me any questions...
i admire my friends who pick up and move around at whim. they're ability to adapt, to change, to accept change... and i want so badly to do that. i want so badly for that to one day be able to be me. to say "hmm, im getting tired of living here - im gonna go there and start over". id love that kind of freedom, but im so so scared.
everyday is getting to be a struggle sometimes. the past six months i was so overwhelmed i thought my head would explode. now, its only slightly overinflated. ive just been working, schooling, everyone else is gone, ive been cut off from all my friends and my passions and it has been driving me seriously insane. ive cried pretty much almost everyday or every other day just because i feel so alone sometimes. i go to sleep at night, i plan out my week in my head: work 11-5:30, home, sleep, start over. work 5:30-12:00, home sleep, start over, school 9:00-12:30, 1:00-4:30, work 5:30-12:00, lather rinse repeat.
my writing has been slacking as well. im not nearly as eloquent as id like to believe i used to be. if that's what i want to do with my life, im starting to think im fucked. but maybe its somewhere in there. its just not ready to come out yet. its like ive had writers block for 5 years... no thats not entirely true. i did do a little writing 2 years ago. yeah, so then only 2 years of writers block. the rest, emptiness.
and its like, sometimes i cant decide if its the drugs or if its the post traumatic stress/post 9/11 thats caused this change. i never used to be so cognizant of certain things - at least not to extremes like now... my social anxiety disorder creeping back slowly, slowly... i dont want the medication. i just want to be normal. i just need someone who i can have close by all the time, who will listen - and really listen, and care. i know theres a few of you out there, but damned, cant i just keep you in my pocket?
alright, its late, im done rambling. i hope i got you up to speed.
xoxo
.........
Isn't it weird to look back sometimes on that person you once were? As much as you want to think you've changed, are changing, can change - you can never completely shed your past. There's always going to be a part of you that still falls into those same patterns and habits.
Reading further posts about the tumultuous "courtship" between me and my ex (dating, falling for him, not being completely in a relationship and wanting more, afraid to tell him how I feel), I can relate all those same feelings even right now to my situation with Emmett. Sitting around contemplating how he feels, afraid to ask, afraid to tell him, crying, fretting, worrying, waiting, wishing, hoping...
.....
maybe i shouldn't be too quick to rush this. something deep down inside keeps telling me this is meant to be... take it slow... let him figure out what it is he wants. it's just so hard for me to hold back the feelings. i mean, im not good at expressing them to begin with really, esp. when it comes to him, but everytime those
........
what if hes just using me? that im just some plain ugly stupid girl who he knows likes him and so he takes advantage of that, mistaking my kindness for weakness, and walks all over me? hes probably got all these other girls that i dont even know about that are way prettier and skinnier and cuter and stuff than me and what does he want to hang out with this nerdy fat ugly girl with a big nose and a fat ass for?
........
i know theres nothing i can say or do to make him stay, but i want to at least let him know how i feel... find out if he feels the same, felt the same? would feel the same?... if things would have worked if he were staying...
.........
It's like history is repeating itself - and maybe that's why I'm so terrified to just let myself go in this situation. I know that Emmett is nothing like the POS person that attached himself to my life and sucked all the fun and beauty and happiness and independence out. I just spent five amazing wonderful days with him and know well enough that he's leaps and bounds above that asshole mentally, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, intellectually. I just don't know how to separate him from these feelings of fear, these severe trust and abandonment issues, the lack of self worth that are attached to personal relationships that I have had recently.
It's a new decade. It's been 10 years since I graduated High School. It's time for me to really start living my life the way it was meant to be lived. I want 2011 to be everything that I wanted my grown-up life to be when I was 17 years old. I want to start my career and have my own cute apartment and trendy clothes and fashionable friends. To feel free and powerful and beautiful and happy and in love. I don't want the record to keep playing on and on. I want to rip the Band-Aid off and stand up for myself and conquer these insecurities once and for all. I want that to be my resolution this year.
So, I'm going to do it. I'm going to tell him how I feel. No matter how hard it is to get the words out, to fight the lump in my throat, to feel the fear and dread of rejection in the pit of my stomach - I'm going to do it. I can't live in fear for another 10 years. I can't spend the rest of my life worrying about the "What ifs" or being afraid that people are going to say "No" to me or get mad when I ask them simple things. (Thanks for that special kind of fear, Mom.) And then I am going to apply that to the rest of my life. I am going to hold my head up high and ask and demand and fight my way to get where I want to be - and instead of cowering in fear, I am going to politely respond "Thank you for your time" and walk away with my head still high.... And on to the next one.
A New Me: That is my New Year's Resolution.
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