Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Cleaning out my closet

I really need to get my life together.  Like, seriously. I am treading water with floaties on and not really going anywhere or doing much of anything and it is starting. to. drive. me. nuts. I am so naturally lazy and the biggest procrastinator that I am procrastinating the things that should be important in my life. I banged up my bumper when I moved in back at the end of May. It is still sitting in my driveway, cracked, with my fog light cover in my backseat. I need a haircut and my roots touched up horribly. I wrote down a number to a hair salon around the corner 2 weeks ago and still haven't made an appointment. I discovered I had a small cavity in a tooth about 3 weeks ago. Have I been to the dentist? You already know the answer.

I should be more motivated and enthusiastic, but instead, I'm stagnating. Why? Because I fucking hate it here. And "here" as in the metaphorical here - here at this place in my life. Moving to Philadelphia and getting a new job was supposed to change my life. So why is it, merely a year later, and I am already over it? I just have nothing to motivate myself for. Nothing exciting to do in my life and no one to share it with. Originally, the prospect of moving to Philadelphia excited me. It got me out of my parent's house, out of CT, out of my shit hole former place of employment and got me closer to my Gay BFF, independence and what I hoped would be a more serious relationship with Emmett. (But we all know how that turned out...)

As much as I like my job, it is obviously not what I want to be doing with the rest of my life and maybe that is frustrating me. I am worried that I am going to get stuck in Academia and the State of Pennsylvania forever. I'm determined to move back to NYC next year, but I just find myself getting frustrated. Without experience, I can't get a job I want in the Marketing field. But without finding another job in the Marketing field, I can't get experience. And I can't leave my current job without finding another job with a comparable income so I can continue to live here on my own and not break my lease. It's a vicious cycle...

I am collecting cobwebs on my life here as it is and I just can't let it bring me down. And so, I realized I need to do some major cleaning up of my life, hopefully as a means to try to motivate myself towards my end goal:

I promise that starting tomorrow I will make all appointments needed, dye my hair, finally wash off a summer's worth of filth from my car, clean my apartment, do ALL my laundry (including work clothes that I have been putting off since I hate paying to do laundry and *sniff* this totally smells clean, right?) and sort out the clutter that has slowly collected all around me. I am freeing up the drama from my life; trashing the broken relationships and hopefully going to try and recycle some of the ones that I have neglected in the past. I am going to the gym twice a week now and starting up Graduate classes again in a few weeks too. I will try to be more active at work and put in more of an effort to do things that I probably should be but haven't been taking seriously because I know someone else can/will end up doing them. I will put aside a substantial amount of money from each paycheck to save for my move next year (or as much as I can to have enough to comfortably get away with living on until my next pay check.) I have revamped my resume and am keeping my eyes and ears peeled for a way to get my foot in the door of my future dream job.

And hopefully, when all is said and done, I will look around at the spotless world around me, smile and then throw a bunch of shit around and mess it all up again. (in a totally and completely healthy way, of course.)

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