Wednesday, June 30, 2010

One Night Only

So we've all had one of those nights where we've had more than enough to drink and make the bad decision to go home with someone we will definitely regret in the morning. Oh, you haven't? Well, I'll be damned! Anyway, for those of us who have partaken in the One Night Stand (ONS) and the inevitable Walk (or Drive, or Subway, or Bus, whatever.) of Shame home - then you should be able to relate to my next series of sexual hijinks.

My first one night stand occurred a few months after the whole LF/34 y/o incidents. My Gay BFF, his boyfriend and I all went out for the evening and being the doting Gay BFF that he is, decided it was his duty to get me laid. We happened to meet up with one of his straight friends from his Rugby team to pregame before going out. I was thoroughly unimpressed with this kid: He was short, seemed kind of cocky and annoying - he was telling us some story how he flew to Vermont to spend the weekend with some 34 year old Cougar he met over the holidays. (Right, because this story is supposed to impress 2 Gays and a Chick?) Anyway, we get out to the bars, have a bunch of beers, and my Gay BFF pulls me aside and says to me, "I'm sending you home with X." At this point I'm pretty much in drunken whatever mode so I agree to go along with it. We cab it back to X's house where we left the car and I head inside with X as the Gays head home. X and I are pretty clear about what is about to go down, but he has to go take his dog for a walk first. So I take my pants off and get into his bed - make it easy, just like ripping off a band-aid.

Once he comes back, making out commences, as well as oral activities - my half consists of me laying there waiting for something interesting to happen and fake moaning. Finally, I guess X has decided its time to get down to business and goes to get a condom. Already unimpressed with the size of his cock, I know this is going to require some serious acting skills. But I am completely thrown off when he asks me, "Ok, where do you want it?" to which I reply, "Um... My vagina??" And 15 minutes later the deed is done and I roll over and go to bed.

I wake up in the morning with a slight hangover and a worry of how I am going to get back to my Gay's house. (Which is an hour away by train) I've got enough cash on me to cab it to the train station and for the train, but figuring out how to do all this at 8 AM is a task in itself. I try calling my Gay and get sent straight to voicemail. Fuck. Meanwhile, X wakes up and now I have to try and make awkward post-coital conversation with him when all I wanna do is put my pants on and peace the fuck outta there. Luckily, he offers to drive me to my Gay's house (seriously?) which is a total relief - until I realize that requires me to sit in a car with him for an hour at 9 in the morning and partake in more awkward forced conversation. He drops me off. My Gay is still not answering the phone and I have to ring the doorbell and shame myself in front of his Beastly roommate in her grandma PJs.

The punchline of this story is that 8 months later, I moved in with my Gay BFF and X was our 3rd roommate for a short period of time, with a super clingy girlfriend who was at our house so often she should have been paying rent. I had thought of shattering her little precious X filled world by telling her about our erm, glorious ONS, but decided to spare her - and spare myself the reminder in the process.


My second ONS was pretty interesting, considering that I can only remember bits and pieces of it. We went out for Happy Hour after work and my coworker invited her husband and his friend, Y, who I had met at a previous Happy Hour and didn't care much for. (Again, annoying and cocky. Do I have a magnet on me?) So, I made the mistake of drinking 4 beers with 9% alcohol each and not realizing how drunk I was until I knocked my chair over and my coworker flagged me. Also, that night we were expecting a massive snowstorm and it had just begun to flurry as we were wrapping things up around 8-9 PM. So she volunteered to drive my car to Y's house and Y would drive me & babysit me there until I sobered up enough to go home. Big Mistake.

All I remember is one minute I am sitting on this guy's couch, innocently watching Yes Man, which is a pretty good movie. I quite liked Jim Carrey & Zooey Deschannel's chemistry - plus all 3 of us have the same birthday: January 17 - which I pointed out to Y as my little tidbit of knowledge. And then the conversation moved on to talking about tattoos (something in the movie happened with tattoos), to which I lowered the band on my jeans to show him my tattoo that is on my hip. And the next thing I know, I am naked and sitting on this guy's lap and he is manhandling me and kissing me and telling me how great my breasts and ass are. (To which I just blush and giggle, because its pretty much true and I love compliments.) Well, the last thing I remember is going to the bathroom naked and thinking "OMG WTF!" because then I woke up naked in his bed at 6:45 in the morning going "OMG WTF!".

So, remember that snowstorm I talked about earlier? Well, a foot or so of snow had accumulated over night and I was trying to figure out how I was gonna Walk of Shame my way out of this. I went to the living room and retrieved my clothes and got dressed as quickly as I could before this guy could wake up. However, he busted me as I had one shoe on and said, "You were just gonna leave!?" to which I most honestly responded, "Yeahhhh... Pretty much?" I was not about to get snowed in here all day with this guy (especially when I checked his fridge and all he had was a Brita Filter and a 30 rack of Miller Lite), so yeah, I was itching to get out of there. How I was going to find my car and clean it off, well, I would have figured all that out later.

He asked if I had a shovel. I said nope. So he told me to give him a few minutes and he would clear my car off for me. (What a gentleman!) I curled up in a hungover ball watching The OC on SoapNET as he went outside to find my car and clear it off. Finally, he came back and the biggest wave of relief rushed over me. I quickly put my coat on, grabbed my purse and keys and he started walking me out to my car. (I really didn't want to have to make small talk.) I got in my car, waited for it to warm up, brushed a lil more snow off with my scraper in the backseat - all as he stood there waiting for.... something? (I dunno, maybe he just wanted to see that I got off ok?) So, when my car was finally ready, I thanked him for cleaning off my car, did the awkward hug thing and tried my best to drive through the on-going blizzard and barely-plowed streets home. (Thank god for All Wheel Drive.)

Now, how many of you have ever done the "Shame Stroll" during a blizzard?

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