Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Swinging both ways

I am bisexual.

There, I said it. I guess that makes me trendy or whatever society seems to think about bisexuality these days. There is a lot of negativity that surrounds being bisexual: People think you are greedy, that you can't make up your mind, that you're 'on the fence', that you want your cake and eat it too. But sometimes people are attracted to members of both sexes, can find themselves being in love with both sexes, having relationships with both sexes. Isn't that just being open minded?

The first time I kissed a girl was in 3rd grade. My neighbor, who was 2 years younger than me, wanted to know what it was like to kiss somebody. So we got naked in my basement and sat on my couch and were going to kiss. But then she made me put a shirt on. And we crawled underneath a blanket and kissed on the lips.

The second time I kissed a girl was with my friend at a rave the summer after high school. I took half a tab of E and was trying to impress some cute guy who had attached himself to me for the evening. He said he'd seen it before, but it was still pretty cool. I remember the way her lips felt so soft against mine. It was so different from all the guys I'd kissed before. There was just something so gentle and non-threatening about kissing a girl, but also so hot and exciting.

Most of my college years were spent making out with girls. Maybe some fondling. A pussy lick here or there. Lots of experimenting, but not really going all the way so much. I knew I liked girls but I was afraid to really let myself go and go head first into a full blown relationship with one. Until after my last ex and I broke up about 3 years ago.

For the sake of keeping identities secret, her name was Jeanette. My ex was friends with her from a local coffee place he frequented. Her long term, live in boyfriend and her had just broken up too, and so he suggested that me and her be friends. He said we had a lot in common - other than the break ups - we both liked Britney Spears, we were both getting our Masters, and we were both Bisexual. Secretly, him introducing the two of us to each other was just a clever ruse to get us all into a threesome - and an even more clever ruse to conceal that he was fucking her on the side while we were broken up, yet still living together.

Jeanette and I began exchanging messages on Myspace (Yes, it was THAT long ago that Myspace was relevant). Her new apartment post-breakup was only a few blocks from ours so we decided to meet up at this local bar for a drink. We were having a great time until my ex showed up and ruined everything. (And then confessed he slept with her while we fought in his car in the parking lot, then HAHA J/K'd me about it, even though I knew he'd told me the truth.) He arranged for us to all go out one night, the 3 of us, to a bar - which led to me and her making out at the bar and in the car the whole way home and to, yes, the threesome my Ex had been hoping for. And the 2nd time it happened as I watched him fuck her, I knew for sure they had been sleeping together behind my back. But I kept it to myself.

Jeanette and I grew closer after I moved back home after my breakup. She went to school in the same town where I was working so she would frequently pick me up after we both got out of class and we would hang out. We had a lot in common. Same musical tastes, TV, movies, humor. She was gorgeous. My Ex used to tell me that he liked her because she reminded him of me and it was true. We were like Ying and Yang. She was the Blond/Green eyed version of me. She was from Brooklyn and then relocated to Long Island, I was from the Bronx and relocated to Westchester. She was a Mets Fan, I was Yankees. She loved penguins and cats. So did I. Her favorite color was green. We had the same taste in clothes. She bought us matching "I'm Not with Stupid Anymore" shirts as we reveled in our breakups from these assholes together. (Her Ex cheated on her and gave her HPV, then denied it for a year and finally admitted it on the night of their Senior formal. They continued to live together and try to make it work for 5 months until a fight on Halloween was the last straw.)

Jeanette and I would spend a lot of time together. For my birthday weekend, we went with a bunch of her friends to a sex toy store and then out to a bar and then wound up back at her place in her hot tub. I will let you fill in the blanks about what happened after that. Since I moved a lot further away from my job after the breakup, I would spend most nights at her place. I would borrow clothes from her or leave them at her place. She would drive me to the train in the morning and kiss me goodbye. We would text all day and then she would pick me up and we'd hang out all night. We had our rituals: Buffalo Wild Wings on Tuesdays for 35 cent wings. Going to the Eatery for lunch and getting Hercs. (The Hercules - a Chicken sandwich on a wedge with BBQ sauce and cheese - bacon for me, none for her.) We'd polish off cases of Blue Moon together and act ridiculous. (Our fav) One day, she even surprised me at work by picking me up for lunch and taking me to this new Quesadilla place that opened. We loved quesadillas. When my grandmother died, she was there for me. She came with me to the wake and held my hand and rubbed my back as I cried endlessly. And we got drunk at her place the night before the funeral. She could always make me feel better. I just felt so alive with her. We did everything together. Talked shit about our exes and had amazing adventures. (Like the time she made me lie to my boss to leave work early and we went to Brooklyn and she got a tattoo on her foot.)

Then, sometime around summer, things started to get a little weird. And I mean weirder than the fact that my ex told Jeanette he was in love with her - and that he told me he was in love with her because she reminded him of me. (And I reminded him of his mother apparently, so work out the weird Oedipian logic with that.) She was becoming distant, short with me. And finally, one weekend, I went to send her a bumper sticker on Facebook (that was our thing) and she wasn't on my friends list anymore. I tried texting her. She wouldn't respond. Finally apparently her best friend, Jamie (name also changed) texted me and told me that Jeanette didn't want to be my friend anymore because I apparently got all "Single White Female" on her. This referred to the fact that one week I decided I was gonna cut my hair. Jeanette had had the "Posh Spice Bob" for a while but was growing it out. And she told me she wanted to grow it out. I said cool, I wanna go shorter with my hair. So I made an appointment to get my hair cut that Friday. (This was Tuesday) The next day, Jeanette tells me she's going to get her hair cut that afternoon - and, you guessed it - the Posh Spice Bob, which what I was planning on getting. This, combined with my lightening my hair for the summer, apparently became a lil too Jennifer Jason Leigh-ish for her tastes. And so she stopped talking to me altogether with no explanation, no confrontation. (Except a few back and forth emails about 5 months later - which started out semi-vicious but, unlike if it was with a guy, our conversations didn't seem as tense and we were actually joking by the time we were done. We never did meet up again or get back together or rekindle our friendship.)

She really broke my heart. For some reason though, unlike relationships I had with guys, I got over it pretty quickly. I really did love her though - whatever we were to each other. I guess I call her my ex because we were basically dating but without titles, without definition. It was a shame because it was so nice to have someone I could be so close to, so open with, who reminded me so much of me.

I wouldn't say that I would never date a woman again, but I certainly would be cautious. Loving a woman is much different from a man. There is a certain sense of comfort that you get that you don't get with a man. Sure, there are still the butterflies and awkward wishing and hoping that come along with dating, but it's more like, as a woman - you can relate to another woman on a certain level - so you're not always trying to figure out how that other person thinks because you already know. You don't get frustrated as easily. Things are more relaxed and seamless. And as much of a comfort as it is, it's also kind of a trap in some ways.

Women are beautiful creatures, but they are also complicated and crazy as fuck.

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